Every time I click 'New Post' it scares me. It's so blank and empty. Daunting. I don't like starting things. Don't think tonight will be a long one, but have been meaning to write on here for a few days but just never quite found the time. Seeing as I'm currently fully fueled on coke and Maryland, I thought I'd give it a crack.
Recently everything is been going good. It's hard to explain. Like my life has just sort of all fell in to place. I belong. I'm more comfortable in myself and those around me. I'm moving onto a new chapter of my life and I'm excited by it. I welcome it, whereas in the past I was afraid of change. I guess everyone says this, but I feel right now I have a really good bunch of friends from Uni. They are cool people, and even though our relationships are now virtually all technology based, it makes me happy. On the other hand, I have a growing number of friends here, who I now regularly enjoy the company of. This has not always been the case. There are still days where I want to crawl under my duvet and disappear from the world, to just be alone, but these days are becoming increasingly rare. I have the odd day to myself, just to keep me sane.
The last time I had one of these days to myself, just happened to be the day I should have been with all my peers. I didn't go to my graduation. There are numerous valid reasons I recite to people who ask me why, but the truth is I should have been there. I know I would have probably not enjoyed the day anyway, but I feel like it'll be something I look back on with a hint of regret. But what's done is done, and now to move on.
Moving on to this coming week, which has been long in the making and plenty overdue. I'm going back to my adopted hometown of Crewe on Tuesday for the week, to see an old acquaintance. To be honest, there were plenty of nights I went to bed worrying about everything surrounding the event, that I was more tense and stressed rather than looking forward to it. But like the way of life, things usually have a way of working themselves out and falling into place. Leaving me to concentrate on being excited.
Thought/Quote/Lyric of the day...
"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength".
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'".
"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened".
x
Friday, 22 July 2011
Thursday, 14 July 2011
I'm Only Here For This Moment (Your Flame In Me)
Well I did say on my last post that I would gradually fill you in on what you've missed out on during my hiatus. And today just seems a very fitting day.
It was exactly nine months ago to this day, that my life radically changed. 14th October 2010, is the day I met a girl who would go on to become the love of my life. It was a boxing social she wasn't planning on coming to. As I walked into the room and headed towards my seat, I first saw her sitting a few seats further down from me. It was hard to keep my eyes off her after that (as I've been told since). During an interval, I saw her alone at the bar and finally summoned up the courage to go and introduce myself. First step complete, and I'm still alive. I remember her saying she knew who I was and had seen me around. The night moved on into the club. A group of us danced together, but I couldn't help but be self conscience around her, safe to say no train dance in sight. She egged me on to dance a couple of times. We talked some more. A confusion left us to leave without saying bye. Gutted, it was nice while it lasted, but it's all over now. Got home and she had left me a message. Nothings ever quite been the same since.
What followed were some of the best moments of my ordinary life. I don't have the best memory, but there are some things that I definitely won't forget. I might not be able to tell you what I did earlier this week, but I can clearly recall every detail about the first time we properly met up - now known as the infamous library date. I remember playing her Jeff Buckley for the first time hoping she would like it; shivering whilst sitting on the scaffolding outside her room window with only a small blanket around us; walking together in the dead of night with no aim or destination, missing her like crazy over the breaks and talking every day; seeing her on nights out, before and after we become what we are now and just thinking wow. There are so many occasions to speak of, and lovely days and weeks out that we had, but my fondest memories of are of all the little things; like the way her laughter sounded, or the weird stretchy noises she made in the mornings, or her very random facial expressions, or the way she would just spontaneously do something out of the blue to make me smile.
They say the people you meet and the relationships you have, shape and form you as a person. There has never been more evidence of that than the case in hand. Yes, I have a bunch of very close friends that I know will be there for the rest of my life, and know they would do anything for me at the drop of a hat, just like I would do for them, but the bond I share with her is different, it can not be compared or matched. For example, I love spending time with my friends, and on the few occasions that we would all go out, I would really enjoy myself and be happy. But that feeling only lasted when I was with them, the moment I got back in my room, it would all go back to being sombre. I used to hate myself and the world, was bored and angry, and really had no passion for living. Now I'm not going to deny that there isn't still some of that element in me, but her love and faith in me, has elevated me to new heights like no one else has before. She has brightened up my outlook on life, and this last year for the first time, I've been genuinely content and happy. It sort of reminds me of this Jeff Buckley quote, "our suffering is peeling off and revealing a brand new skin, a new power. Love heals all wounds and not just time alone".
I could talk about her forever, and how much she means to me, and what she's done for me. I had accepted being by myself, I never thought I would ever be with anyone, let alone someone as beautiful, funny, intelligent, sweet and caring as her. I crave for her every morning and night, I yearn for the pleasure of her company, I miss my best friend.
The truth is, I knew after the first few times of meeting her, that I was falling for her, and she was going to be the girl that I loved. Along with posting on here, I used to write little poemy things, and the last one I wrote was one month after we first met. I never talked about it or showed it to anyone because writing like that about someone one month in, I thought was kind of weird. But what the hell. She doesn't know about this either, so I thought this would be a good a time as any to show it her....
Let your sweet embrace squeeze all life out of me
Let your blood red lips tease me to surrender
Let no words ruin the beauty of the silence
Let the feeling blanket us eternally in this moment
In your voice I hear the innocence and laughter
In your shimmering eyes I see the future of stars
In full mercy of your sweet compassion and care
In my heavy eyes and woozy heart is where you live
Now I am starting to trust in a higher power
Now the songs on the radio start making sense
Now everything flows without logic or rationale
Now my stumbling words no longer need meaning
Always believed I would spend my days alone
Always be there for you like you would for me
Always want it to be me and you forever
Always in a dream where the two of us are together.
Happy nine month anniversary, my love :) <3 x
It was exactly nine months ago to this day, that my life radically changed. 14th October 2010, is the day I met a girl who would go on to become the love of my life. It was a boxing social she wasn't planning on coming to. As I walked into the room and headed towards my seat, I first saw her sitting a few seats further down from me. It was hard to keep my eyes off her after that (as I've been told since). During an interval, I saw her alone at the bar and finally summoned up the courage to go and introduce myself. First step complete, and I'm still alive. I remember her saying she knew who I was and had seen me around. The night moved on into the club. A group of us danced together, but I couldn't help but be self conscience around her, safe to say no train dance in sight. She egged me on to dance a couple of times. We talked some more. A confusion left us to leave without saying bye. Gutted, it was nice while it lasted, but it's all over now. Got home and she had left me a message. Nothings ever quite been the same since.
What followed were some of the best moments of my ordinary life. I don't have the best memory, but there are some things that I definitely won't forget. I might not be able to tell you what I did earlier this week, but I can clearly recall every detail about the first time we properly met up - now known as the infamous library date. I remember playing her Jeff Buckley for the first time hoping she would like it; shivering whilst sitting on the scaffolding outside her room window with only a small blanket around us; walking together in the dead of night with no aim or destination, missing her like crazy over the breaks and talking every day; seeing her on nights out, before and after we become what we are now and just thinking wow. There are so many occasions to speak of, and lovely days and weeks out that we had, but my fondest memories of are of all the little things; like the way her laughter sounded, or the weird stretchy noises she made in the mornings, or her very random facial expressions, or the way she would just spontaneously do something out of the blue to make me smile.
They say the people you meet and the relationships you have, shape and form you as a person. There has never been more evidence of that than the case in hand. Yes, I have a bunch of very close friends that I know will be there for the rest of my life, and know they would do anything for me at the drop of a hat, just like I would do for them, but the bond I share with her is different, it can not be compared or matched. For example, I love spending time with my friends, and on the few occasions that we would all go out, I would really enjoy myself and be happy. But that feeling only lasted when I was with them, the moment I got back in my room, it would all go back to being sombre. I used to hate myself and the world, was bored and angry, and really had no passion for living. Now I'm not going to deny that there isn't still some of that element in me, but her love and faith in me, has elevated me to new heights like no one else has before. She has brightened up my outlook on life, and this last year for the first time, I've been genuinely content and happy. It sort of reminds me of this Jeff Buckley quote, "our suffering is peeling off and revealing a brand new skin, a new power. Love heals all wounds and not just time alone".
I could talk about her forever, and how much she means to me, and what she's done for me. I had accepted being by myself, I never thought I would ever be with anyone, let alone someone as beautiful, funny, intelligent, sweet and caring as her. I crave for her every morning and night, I yearn for the pleasure of her company, I miss my best friend.
The truth is, I knew after the first few times of meeting her, that I was falling for her, and she was going to be the girl that I loved. Along with posting on here, I used to write little poemy things, and the last one I wrote was one month after we first met. I never talked about it or showed it to anyone because writing like that about someone one month in, I thought was kind of weird. But what the hell. She doesn't know about this either, so I thought this would be a good a time as any to show it her....
Let your sweet embrace squeeze all life out of me
Let your blood red lips tease me to surrender
Let no words ruin the beauty of the silence
Let the feeling blanket us eternally in this moment
In your voice I hear the innocence and laughter
In your shimmering eyes I see the future of stars
In full mercy of your sweet compassion and care
In my heavy eyes and woozy heart is where you live
Now I am starting to trust in a higher power
Now the songs on the radio start making sense
Now everything flows without logic or rationale
Now my stumbling words no longer need meaning
Always believed I would spend my days alone
Always be there for you like you would for me
Always want it to be me and you forever
Always in a dream where the two of us are together.
Happy nine month anniversary, my love :) <3 x Monday, 11 July 2011
Ring Of Fire
Ahhhhhh it's been a while, seems like this bad boy could do with a little updating. Cheeses Christ, where to start?! It's like starting a whole new blog again, just a summer forwarded.
Well I don't think anything really interesting, exciting, or worth mentioning has happened over the last eight months or so ;) haha. Last year when I created this online journal for my random thoughts and aimless rants, it was mainly down to being a sad, lonely prick with nothing better to do. So the fact that this blog has not really been updated or added to in quite a while, is a good thing. Means I've got a life. (Had a life). The last year has been the best of my life and I wouldn't change it for the world.
I've got nothing in particular I want to talk about, just letting out some hot air (as per). Ten minutes ago I was laying in bed, with the laptop shut down and the lights switched off, attempting to sleep. But the more I tossed and turned, the more awake I became. Maybe my body clock has adjusted to the recent late nights I've been having and just not allowing me to fall asleep any time before then. Whatever the reason may be, I thought it would be a good idea to come and speak to you.
Maybe over time, if I continue to write on here, I'll talk more about my absence and try to fill in any gaps. That will all come more naturally I guess, rather than me sitting here trying to articulate something I still can't fully comprehend. All I can say for now is that, although certain circumstances and situations may not be ideal, I'm at a good place in myself.
Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...
"I find it very, very easy to be true
I find myself alone when each day is through
Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you
Because you're mine, I walk the line
As sure as night is dark and day is light
I keep you on mind both day and night
And happiness I've known proves that it's right
Because you're mine, I walk the line
You've got a way to keep me on your side
You give me cause for a love that I can't hide
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide
Because you're mine, I walk the line"
x
Well I don't think anything really interesting, exciting, or worth mentioning has happened over the last eight months or so ;) haha. Last year when I created this online journal for my random thoughts and aimless rants, it was mainly down to being a sad, lonely prick with nothing better to do. So the fact that this blog has not really been updated or added to in quite a while, is a good thing. Means I've got a life. (Had a life). The last year has been the best of my life and I wouldn't change it for the world.
I've got nothing in particular I want to talk about, just letting out some hot air (as per). Ten minutes ago I was laying in bed, with the laptop shut down and the lights switched off, attempting to sleep. But the more I tossed and turned, the more awake I became. Maybe my body clock has adjusted to the recent late nights I've been having and just not allowing me to fall asleep any time before then. Whatever the reason may be, I thought it would be a good idea to come and speak to you.
Maybe over time, if I continue to write on here, I'll talk more about my absence and try to fill in any gaps. That will all come more naturally I guess, rather than me sitting here trying to articulate something I still can't fully comprehend. All I can say for now is that, although certain circumstances and situations may not be ideal, I'm at a good place in myself.
Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...
"I find it very, very easy to be true
I find myself alone when each day is through
Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you
Because you're mine, I walk the line
As sure as night is dark and day is light
I keep you on mind both day and night
And happiness I've known proves that it's right
Because you're mine, I walk the line
You've got a way to keep me on your side
You give me cause for a love that I can't hide
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide
Because you're mine, I walk the line"
x
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