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I'm just warning you now, I have a feeling this post is going to be very shit. But I'm bored and need to kill some time. There were actually a few things I wanted to talk about but they're all pretty separate and random, so this all may seem a little jumpy and disjointed, but fuck it. I've been meaning to blog for a while but had nothing really to talk about. Started a post a few days ago, but then left it. That night laying in bed, it came to me and I thought 'yes, this is perfect'! Woke up the next morning and I TOTALLY forgot what it was. Don't have a clue whether it was an idea, concept, thought or whatever. Gone, vanished, like aliens invaded my brain while I was sleeping.

Talking of things happening while I sleep. Recently I started having dreams. I don't mean the metaphoric type, I mean literally. I never used to have them (or never remembered having any because apparently we all dream every night). But for the last few weeks, I've had dreams, some I don't remember, others I remember pieces, and a few I have the general gist of. And they are all pretty weird. Like the most recent one a few days ago that I remember, was me getting into a physical fight with Mike Tyson over what was the best chocolate in a box of Celebrations. Don't ask me. Before this, for like a week straight I had this very vivid and explicit reoccurring dream. It wasn't always exactly the same every night, but the basics were. It actually started altering my mood throughout the days a little.

Around this time, say a couple of weeks ago, I was in a very fucked up state of mind. It was weird, like I could be completely fine all day, even be in a good mood, but soon as I was in bed at night, I would just have these extreme lows. Just laying there with all sorts of thoughts running through my head. Had not really felt like that bad since my teeny years. Just a very black place, best I can describe it. But then I could wake up and be fine again. It really had me dreading night time, I would not want to switch off my laptop, or watch something till I fell asleep, or just have my iPod on really loud to stop me from thinking. It lasted for like a whole week and was pretty exhausting. But thankfully, that phase seems to have passed and I'm back to myself; just partially depressed.

Also, I've been having doubts about this job that I've been accepted for. I was meant to start last Monday, but we went in, waited for an hour and a half for the manager, for him to tell us in under a minute that there's been some sort of delay and he's not sure when we will start. He also weirdly added, if you get any other job offers in the meantime, you should take them! During this whole recruitment process he's been away and we've dealt with this young, ditsy reception woman. This was our first meeting with him, he seem alot more straight. I say our but it was only three of us, I don't know what happened to the other 5 I met. One of the guys, I get on with, and we went Subways together afterwards. The other guy, was the only one from the group of 8 that in our three meeting I hadn't spoken to. The thing about when I was looking for work was, I didn't mind what job it was, I didn't want to work evenings or weekends. This happens to be both, and on top is only commission based so not guaranteed to even make money, I don't think I'm a salesman. The day after I got accepted for this job, I got a phone call from Primark for an in store interview, but as I thought I was starting on the Monday, I rejected it. Ever since, I've kind of been regretting it. Even though, it's a shit job, and probably not as exciting as the other one, I knew it would be Monday to Friday, and how much I would be getting paid. This other job, they said you can't really take days off, and working like 10 and a half hour days for 6 days. Even if I did make decent money, there would be no real point, if I can't spend it doing the things that I love and enjoy. Like if I couldn't take off a day to go back to uni for old boys, or working during United in the Champions League. They were meant to ring but haven't done so. I don't know, I'm still unsure over it, but I've applied to a few other places. See what happens.

Again randomly moving on, today I completed my PGCE application form and sent it off. Applied to a Loughborough, Leicester Uni, some other Leicester school/collegey thing, and Man Met, not Cheshire unfortunately :( they, didn't have it or it would've been my first choice. Applied for PE in a couple of places and Primary and Secondary in the others. I don't know, just thought I'd tell you that, could be interesting in the future if it works out.

Finally... the biggest thing in my life this last week is LANA DEL REY! If you've paid any sort of attention to my Facebook or Twitter (which I'm sure you stalkers and creepers have) you know about this already. Weird one night last week I was just laying in bed, about to go sleep, reading a few tweets as you do, and Olivia Wilde shared a link to one of her songs. Not know what the link was, I clicked it, and as they say the rest is history. She's not got a full album or anything out, but she does have a couple of gorgeous singles out at the moment, and a few other songs floating around YouTube. The songs are described by her as, tragic love songs with hope, to which I can't think of anything better. Her sound and look are both pretty unique and special too. I have literally had her on repeat ever since I heard her and in particular these two songs. It's that kind of phase where no other music really sounds the same and I don't want to listen to anything other than her.

Anyway, I think that is enough ramble for now. And just in time for MNF! Have fun :) Ps. I can't think of a title for this post, so if you have any ideas, let me know and I will use that!

Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...

"I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of tomorrow. I'm afraid of watching you sail away and knowing you'll never come back."

x

And at once I knew I was not magnificent..

I hadn't even realised that my last post was my 50th entry into this blogging world. If I had, I would've liked to mark the occasion with fireworks and Scrabble. I guess it doesn't really sound like much, and would have been more if not for my summer hiatus, but for someone like me it's quite an achievement to have reached this landmark. See writing like this doesn't come as naturally to me as I know it does to some of you reading this, and even the smallest and most pointless posts end up taking up a considerable amount of time. Moreover, I hardly ever have anything of any value to comment on, so fifty ramblings is an accomplishment. New comers to The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows have a little look see at some of my older posts, catch up on what you've missed out on, and what I was like before you even knew I existed.

After a couple of weeks filling out applications and emailing CV's, I finally found work and been accepted for a job. I'm sure no one really gives a shit and it's pretty boring to be honest, so I'll be quick. It's a place called Montana Marketing (The guy who owns it is called Tony, just sayin'). It's in town, a bus ride away. I am starting off as a 'Field Representative', which is just a fancy title for door to door sales, selling energy. It is commissioned based, which I know some people are weird about, but it doesn't really bother me. The hours are Monday to Friday, 11am to 9.30pm, and occasional Saturdays. The evening and Saturday things are the only problems at the moment, but I'm sure I'll find some way of figuring it out. The place itself and the people I've met so far are all young and fun, which is kind of exciting. I start this Monday, and I am looking forward to it.

That was a little side note, the real reason I bought it up is because of something the woman that did my interviews and induction said. When offering me the job, she said "You seem like a really happy, positive person, and are the smiliest person I've met! I like happy, smiley people". At this stage I actually laughed out loud, and she just said "Ooh the smile's even bigger now!". Later that night, just before bed, I watched Dexter. And as I lay there trying to sleep whilst simultaneously reflecting on the episode and my life in general, I began to think of the things we had in common and how I could relate to him. He is a serial killer, but he also blends into society by being a father, brother, blood splatter analyst, etc. And with each role he is a different person, for example, the way he acts around a killer laying on his table, to playing with his infant son, is totally separate. Same as how he is a new person when he would spend alone time with his wife, or give simple brotherly advice to his sister, or be working a murder case. And can differ be from one extreme to another, from one scene to the next. He could not be in serial killer mode at work in a police station, it wouldn't work, he would get caught. He learned to adapt to each situation, to perfect each role to make it work, in order to survive and be successful.

In many ways I feel I am the same. I am a son, a brother, a friend (Leicester), a friend (Crewe), and now a worker, and I don't I can honestly say I am the same in any role. The way I am around my parents is different to how I am in front of my siblings. The way I talk to my friends in Leicester is different to the way I talk to my Uni friends. With work, I knew I had to portray myself as a confident, positive, fun person in order to get the job. That's what I did, and that's what they saw. Some people may consider this as being fake or putting on an act, which I guess it kind of technically is, but in my eyes, each role I play is as important to me as the other. I consider all of them to be apart of me. It's what I am, it's what make me, me. I feel most people are like this in reality. I am only ever what I want you to see. I am whatever you need me to be.

Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...

One of each, just because it's been a while...

The first person who's on your mind the moment you open your eyes after a long sleep is the reason of either your happiness or your pain.

"Men can change. But what about monsters?.. Because monsters don't get to have a happy ending".

I feel afraid and I call your name
I love your voice and your dance insane
I hear your words and I know your pain
Your head in your hands and her kiss on the lips of another

x