Sic Transit Gloria... Glory Fades

So this week I went back to my old old stomping ground of Crewe to experience a few days of Freshers again. It was both an interesting and weird experience to be honest. I was excited to be going back and seeing some of my best friends, but at the same time, due to the events of preceding weeks, I knew it would not be the same.

This time last week Wednesday, I was having a lovely meal at Dragon Inn with the boys; Andi, Jake, Fisher, Patryk, & Vince. This was followed by Bowling which was also fun. Before that, we had all gone for a round of golf. I say golf, I just strolled around some fields eating Rolo's, but it was still nice to spend some time with people and catch up. The night drew to a close.

Thursday morning started with a nice breakfast trip to McDonald's with Lorna. (I know how much she loves this blog and how excited she gets when I mention her name, so there). Again, it was good catching up, even if it was only for a little while, I would have liked to talk to her properly. The rest of the day was spent at the house playing Fifa with the boys, which is always good and reminds me of how much practice I need! Andi came back from Uni and we went Subways (my first one since uni), then to see Pav and Was in halls. I don't know what it is but I like being around that group, even though Aiden wasn't around. Bit of drinking, then back to Jake's for a quick stop off, where Rachel and her housemates were, before leaving for the Old Nunnery to meet Amy (or Cat) and her new clan.

This is where a bit of the weirdness kicked in. I knew it would be strange going back to Crewe and doing all the things that I used with the same people, now that things had changed. But it only really hit me once I got to the house and was sitting in the kitchen. I kinda just sat on a stool off to one side while everyone was happy in the haze of a drunken hour. All I could think about was of all the times that I had spent in this kitchen, and memories were just flooding back. Like the last time I was here, there were only the two of us cooking pasta. I had become comfortable in that kitchen but I felt like the outsider again. My mood wasn't really helped by having drink spilt down my trousers and neon paint smeared on my jacket. Then just to top it off I was asked by one of Rachel's housemates if my girlfriend was here! I tried to smile and stuff the best I could, but after a while I went outside to kinda get away from it all.

This is when the night started to take a turn for the up. Amy came outside and gave me Haribos which was rather cool, made me smile and brightened my spirits. I went back in and even joined in with a bit of small talk. Highlight was one of the girls calling me mean for not introducing myself in her house but instead taking the piss, and then for her to find out that I had actually spent more nights there than she had. It was soon time to leave for Steam, and me, Amy, Jake, and Rachel headed off in our little pack. It was very busy, and could tell just by the que.

The night like everything else on the trip was a weird one. We went to the Indie floor, but the new DJ is absolutely shit, and played like four indie songs the whole night. Not the best start. I guess everyone was pretty drunk and the only two that weren't were me and Amy, so it kind of just ended up us two chilling together for the entire night. The music was awful so we went upstairs for a minute and then outside for a little fag break. Once we got back in the music was still as bad, so I thought it might be interesting to check the new place that had been added to the indie floor. It's the corner room but with big beany bag things and blankets, and weird colourful cubes. As it was slightly separate, we could still hear the music but it wasn't as loud, so it was nice to be able to just sit there and talk. Spent pretty much the rest of the night there and ended up having more fun than I thought. Just as I was getting ready to hang the DJ, he played a Brand New which was pretty cool. Bibby's and home time.

Friday was again weird. For some reason, which I still don't know why, I was in a really strange mood. Didn't really do much, just got changed and came home. The train journey was one of the worst. But the overall few days were really good and exactly what I needed. I miss that lifestyle very much, as well as the people still there. It was cool, 'cause over the couple of days, everyone in their own way just made me feel (at the risk of sounding gay) loved. It just kind of warmed me up and let me know that there are people that still care about me and it's not all doom and gloom. I guess it was just all the little things; the outrageous banter flying around when I'm with Andi and Pav; Sheils coming up to me and having a talk and explaining how he understood how I felt; Seeing Jake and Rachel together so happy, easily my favourite couple, they are so funny together; and was also worried about how Amy and Alex would react to me now that I was no longer with Lina, but Alex in a drunken state gave me a big hug and called me her favourite and Amy out of sober, conscience choice (no excuses!) decided to spend the night in my company.

So when I say you are the bestest of peoples, I actually mean it and appreciate it fully. So thank you all, sincerely <3

Thought/Quote/Lyric of the day...
"You cant change your situation, the only thing you can change is how you choose to deal with it".

x

Okay I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't

I've been contemplating about writing this post for several weeks now, and I have to say this is easily the hardest one I have ever written. Even as I sit typing here now, I don't know if this post will actually see the day of light, or will be abandoned in the darkness of the drafts list, like its various predecessors. I started this blog for me, I wanted somewhere I could vent, without friends, followers, likes, comments, or mentions. Somewhere I could be true to myself. Even now, I'll occasionally stroll back through the archive and start reading an old post of mine at random, and enjoy the memories it brings, remembering how I was feeling at that time or what I was going through. So on numerous nights whilst I sat here struggling for the right words to come along in the right order, I seriously considered just not mentioning this episode, and moving the blog on. But I eventually felt that would be the easy way out and not really true to myself. Especially as this ride has been the best of my life, it deserves a final chapter, a last scene, one final curtain call.

Over the last couple of weeks my life has changed dramatically somewhat. What I held and trusted to be true and sincere, turned around and gave me a rude awakening. I let my guard down and in a moment of weakness, I got hurt. The fact is, I don't really feel like I can talk about other people's actions or choices on here, that's not right or fair. So instead, I'll focus on myself and the situation from my point of view. There are a few of you out there who know the full story and will be able to follow, but for those who are unaware of all the details, I'm sorry if it all comes across slightly cryptic and confusing. It is what it is.

Me and Lina broke up, in my eyes anyway, 1 month and 14 days short of the one year anniversary of the first time we met. Us having to break up was inevitable, we knew that day was coming from the moment we agreed to go on this journey together. We had accepted we would not be together for the rest of our lives, no matter how much we wanted that. But the truth is, if I could change one thing about our perfect relationship, it would be the circumstances of our break up and the situation surrounding it. It would not have been the way I wanted to end things in an ideal world. But life is as such, and things happen beyond your control and it is up to you to adapt and deal with them the best you can. I am not going to lie, when we had 'that' conversation in Birmingham, I was in shock. It is fair to say I did not know how to react to the information I was being told. I know we talked for a while, but I don't remember much of the finer details of what was being said, my mind was occupied with too many thoughts running through it overloading any conscience thought, emotions clouding all logic and rationale. Instead, as almost by instinct when I'm hurt, I fell behind my jokey persona and pretended nothing phased me. It was only later that night, when I was laying in bed, by myself, in the dark, with nothing else but the dangerous predicament of my mind working overtime, I really started to accept how I felt. Several tears formed in my eyes and ran down the side of my face. I guess you could call that crying but it didn't feel like it. You could call me cold hearted, but it was the first time I 'cried' for as far back as I can remember.

I predict I've been through a wide range of the emotional spectrum since; upset, hurt, disillusioned, angry, insecure, paranoid, indifferent, so on and so forth. It's made me into a person I don't like or don't want to be. I find myself at times feeling bitter and resentful, and I hate those qualities in people, and hate myself more for feeling like that, but it's what I've been reduced to. It's like the one person I could trust with my whole life and could always rely on, just went and shattered that belief. The one person who I never thought would be capable of hurting me, did just that. And I wasn't quite sure how to react or respond. See I've tried blocking everything out and talking nice but it seems contrived, and I've tried not speaking to her but that only makes me miss her more. I think the truth is I'm just very confused myself. It's the combination of still loving her to pieces and at the same time knowing I won't be able to look, talk, or hold to her in the same way. The nights are the worst for this, and it's driving me insane. The way I see it, before you do something that will effect someone else, you have two options of thought. You either don't consider them at all and go ahead with it, or they cross your mind but then you go ahead with it anyway. I don't know which one I'd prefer. It's weird what a persons faith and love in you will do, I used to feel untouchable, like Superman, now I just feel paranoid and insecure, like the crooked individuals he went after. I know it's probably not the case, but at the moment it just feels like I won't be able to go through all that again, and open myself up to the trust in people anymore.

The truth is she is the first girl that I ever loved, and the first girl that ever loved me. She changed my life for the better in so many ways. She is definitely unique and I'll never have what I had with her with anyone else. She is truly special. I owe her everyday I wake. I'm sure there will be many bystanders, and people going through similar situations who will totally disagree with me, but in my heart I think I have a right to feel the way I do. Of course this is only my side of the story, and like with every good story there are always two sides. And I'm sure she has her own, just as valid and justified, if not more. I know I'll always want her around in some capacity, for as long as she still wants to be there. But the earth don't give a shit about us, it keeps spinning, and life moves on. Now so must we.

Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...

"Our suffering is peeling off and revealing a brand new skin, a new power. Love heals all wounds and not just time alone".

In The Real World

As you might have been able to tell by my last post, the last couple of days have not been the best in my life. In fact, you could go as far as to saying, they have been some of the worst. Conversations I could have gone through my whole life without, and the likes of which I hope to never go through again. All confidence has been sucked out of me, feel insignificant and insecure. The lack of football during the weekend has not helped either, only left endless time for me to wander inside my own thoughts, dangerous place at times. So I was fully expecting to come on here and let a bit of steam off, and rip into a few issues. However, the events of today have kind of flipped that notion on its head. Today has been a good day. A much needed one.

It actually started off pretty bad in fairness, but I guess things always get worse before they get better. The rut kind of ended when I went into town with one of my best friends. He just gets me, we have an understanding and connection, like I have with no one else. I need his voice and presence in my life every now and again. I can be happy with him even when we're talking about depressing matters. We talk a lot. And I like to listen into his life, takes the thoughts away from my own. Without giving too much away, town today with just the two of us was pretty awkward and funny. Had fun. Before I could get home and tweet I was hungry, I was back out with him, going to eat. Went to a new place, which made quite a nice change from the five straight days of Maryland.

Just when my evening looked like taking a turn for the worse without TV or a film to settle in with, she called me. It was a pleasant surprise, as I was definitely not expecting it. It erased some fears. We've not spoken in quite a while, I actually don't remember the last time, so it was nice hearing her voice again and being able to smile and laugh together. On that note, I'm going to Birmingham on Thursday, which is very exciting. First time we're seeing each other since our week in Crewe, and for the first time since our situation has changed. I bought two t-shirts last week, which one do you think I should wear? I'm leaning more towards the black one myself, just because think it goes better with the rest of my outfit!

Tonight, my little situation was put into perspective. I found out that my old art teacher's husband past away today. They also had a little daughter together. It just kind of shocks you, as this was the first I'd heard of it and was all so sudden. She posted pictures of the three of them together all the time, I didn't know them but I had met her husband and daughter in class. It just makes you think, you're so encapsulated in your own little lives and problems, that you don't even really consider anything else. We've known each other under a year, and we may no longer be together, but I can still talk to her or see her. And I feel like shit. They were married for over ten years, and she nor her daughter no longer have the same luxuries. Can't begin to imagine their pain.

I had quite a weird dream the other day. I'm not much of a dreamer but recently they been coming to me more regularly. This one was quite interesting, so much so, as soon as I woke up I wrote it down in my phone. It went something along the lines of our whole lives are there to portray someone else's. And everyone I know plays a different role. I'm just a small role in the bigger movie. To clarify, I played myself in a biographic about someone else. Whilst living my life and coming to the end of playing my part (the present day), it dawned on me how much of a small role I actually played in this persons life, who I know and considered to be relatively close to. I know, told you was kind of a weird concept, but rather interesting.

I kind of changed the look of this shiz, was getting bored of the old one. Hope you like it, know that some of you won't. Won't be long till I'm bored of this one too.

Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...

"If you fight, you might lose. But if you don't fight, then you have already lost".

"Within you, I lose myself. Without you, I find myself wanting to be lost again".

x

01/09/11

There's only one thing on my mind, but it also feels like that's the only thing I can't really talk about.

So instead I'm going to let music tell my story (especially now that I've learnt how to post videos). These have randomly popped up on my iPod the last couple of days, kind of kept me intact and kept me going. Make of them what you will.

                      

                                    



Now I don't expect anyone to listen to all or any of these songs, or even like them for that matter, but it's just nice for me to have a little collection of my own. Something I can relate to. I'll probably add to and edit the songs during the next couple of days accordingly. Maybe I'll look back at this post in time and it'll bring back some memories.

For now though, I am gone... x