Okay I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't

I've been contemplating about writing this post for several weeks now, and I have to say this is easily the hardest one I have ever written. Even as I sit typing here now, I don't know if this post will actually see the day of light, or will be abandoned in the darkness of the drafts list, like its various predecessors. I started this blog for me, I wanted somewhere I could vent, without friends, followers, likes, comments, or mentions. Somewhere I could be true to myself. Even now, I'll occasionally stroll back through the archive and start reading an old post of mine at random, and enjoy the memories it brings, remembering how I was feeling at that time or what I was going through. So on numerous nights whilst I sat here struggling for the right words to come along in the right order, I seriously considered just not mentioning this episode, and moving the blog on. But I eventually felt that would be the easy way out and not really true to myself. Especially as this ride has been the best of my life, it deserves a final chapter, a last scene, one final curtain call.

Over the last couple of weeks my life has changed dramatically somewhat. What I held and trusted to be true and sincere, turned around and gave me a rude awakening. I let my guard down and in a moment of weakness, I got hurt. The fact is, I don't really feel like I can talk about other people's actions or choices on here, that's not right or fair. So instead, I'll focus on myself and the situation from my point of view. There are a few of you out there who know the full story and will be able to follow, but for those who are unaware of all the details, I'm sorry if it all comes across slightly cryptic and confusing. It is what it is.

Me and Lina broke up, in my eyes anyway, 1 month and 14 days short of the one year anniversary of the first time we met. Us having to break up was inevitable, we knew that day was coming from the moment we agreed to go on this journey together. We had accepted we would not be together for the rest of our lives, no matter how much we wanted that. But the truth is, if I could change one thing about our perfect relationship, it would be the circumstances of our break up and the situation surrounding it. It would not have been the way I wanted to end things in an ideal world. But life is as such, and things happen beyond your control and it is up to you to adapt and deal with them the best you can. I am not going to lie, when we had 'that' conversation in Birmingham, I was in shock. It is fair to say I did not know how to react to the information I was being told. I know we talked for a while, but I don't remember much of the finer details of what was being said, my mind was occupied with too many thoughts running through it overloading any conscience thought, emotions clouding all logic and rationale. Instead, as almost by instinct when I'm hurt, I fell behind my jokey persona and pretended nothing phased me. It was only later that night, when I was laying in bed, by myself, in the dark, with nothing else but the dangerous predicament of my mind working overtime, I really started to accept how I felt. Several tears formed in my eyes and ran down the side of my face. I guess you could call that crying but it didn't feel like it. You could call me cold hearted, but it was the first time I 'cried' for as far back as I can remember.

I predict I've been through a wide range of the emotional spectrum since; upset, hurt, disillusioned, angry, insecure, paranoid, indifferent, so on and so forth. It's made me into a person I don't like or don't want to be. I find myself at times feeling bitter and resentful, and I hate those qualities in people, and hate myself more for feeling like that, but it's what I've been reduced to. It's like the one person I could trust with my whole life and could always rely on, just went and shattered that belief. The one person who I never thought would be capable of hurting me, did just that. And I wasn't quite sure how to react or respond. See I've tried blocking everything out and talking nice but it seems contrived, and I've tried not speaking to her but that only makes me miss her more. I think the truth is I'm just very confused myself. It's the combination of still loving her to pieces and at the same time knowing I won't be able to look, talk, or hold to her in the same way. The nights are the worst for this, and it's driving me insane. The way I see it, before you do something that will effect someone else, you have two options of thought. You either don't consider them at all and go ahead with it, or they cross your mind but then you go ahead with it anyway. I don't know which one I'd prefer. It's weird what a persons faith and love in you will do, I used to feel untouchable, like Superman, now I just feel paranoid and insecure, like the crooked individuals he went after. I know it's probably not the case, but at the moment it just feels like I won't be able to go through all that again, and open myself up to the trust in people anymore.

The truth is she is the first girl that I ever loved, and the first girl that ever loved me. She changed my life for the better in so many ways. She is definitely unique and I'll never have what I had with her with anyone else. She is truly special. I owe her everyday I wake. I'm sure there will be many bystanders, and people going through similar situations who will totally disagree with me, but in my heart I think I have a right to feel the way I do. Of course this is only my side of the story, and like with every good story there are always two sides. And I'm sure she has her own, just as valid and justified, if not more. I know I'll always want her around in some capacity, for as long as she still wants to be there. But the earth don't give a shit about us, it keeps spinning, and life moves on. Now so must we.

Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...

"Our suffering is peeling off and revealing a brand new skin, a new power. Love heals all wounds and not just time alone".