I've been meaning to write something on here for a few days, but I really can't be bothered. So please, don't get too excited and think this is an actual post, it is not, it's just a quick message. I do actually have a few things I want to in to eventually, but until then, follow or just occasionally stalk me on my new spot.. Tumblr. I only took note of it because loads of people on Twitter had one in their website section, and they looked so frickin' cool. It was only meant to be a little mess around and fun, but I've actually gotten quite into it. It's kinda complicated to get the hang of, and I still don't really know exactly what I'm doing, but when has that ever stopped me. It's another blogging site, but people post pics and little gifs, and random stuff like that. So instead of sitting down for an hour writing down your deepest thoughts and feeling, you can just reblog something (with a click of a button) to represent the same thing! Yes, lazy and uncreative, I agree, but until I find a spark and motivation to write on here again that is where I'll be at. I'll come back soon, I promise. I've posted quite a bit of stuff, so there's a few pages for you all to catch up on, fun fun. It's mostly a mix of, me fanboying over my favourite things, depressive quotes, and naked people. Have fun! :)
http://poonoises.tumblr.com/
Thursday, 1 December 2011
Wednesday, 16 November 2011
Poison Ivy
Why hello there, I didn't see you, you startled me. Welcome in anyway, make
yourself comfortable like. I hope you enjoyed my last long ass ramble about TV,
I've not actually been able to bring myself to read over it, so if it's shit,
then you'll know why and just have to excuse me. Not much has been going on in
my life recently so I can't really give you any exciting, detailed stories,
sorry. But I'm sure something will pop in my mind while I'm writing this.
Now I feel this post is starting to head down that 'deep' side, and I didn't
really intend to go there. As much as I love it, and love reading your insight
into human emotions and character, I feel that is a bit of a slippery slope
right now. Mainly because every time I start writing like that, there is only
one thing on my mind, which it will inevitably lead to. It's pretty much all I
think about at the moment to be honest, when I want to, and even when I don't.
I can't really help it. Regrets, doing things differently, having another
chance, just being better.
Swiftly moving on before we all hang ourselves, I realised the other day that I miss the Uni lifestyle and the people there more than I even thought. Mo was invited to some girls birthday party in town, and wanted someone to go along with so asked me to come a few days before, and I said ok. I wasn't really too keen but Hassan also said he would come, and so would another friend, so I thought, ok it might actually be good. Comes to the Saturday and Hassan and his friend have had to go into Birmingham and are not getting back till around midnight time, and Mo still really wants to go, and I'm the only one left, so I feel guilty and say us two will go, even though I'd rather have stayed home and watched Boxing. But we went, the two of us into town, to this bar, which was actually quite busy. But it was pretty shit, and I felt like a total outsider for the whole time there. Hassan then text saying he and a friends were coming into town also, and would be going to this Asian type club, so we went to Maryland to wait for him. By this time I had already had a shit time, missed the Tyson Fury fight, and was hiding behind Mo from every taxi I saw in town, which were a lot! By the time Hassan and my other mate got to the club, I had enough of the night and wanted to go home to watch UFC and the Boxing, and Mo had to get up early for work the next day, so we decided to go home. Apparently Hassan and my friend ended up having a good night, but I couldn't help thinking back to my nights at Crewe. The pre drinking at someone house, no matter who or how many, always had a laugh and felt together and it was fun. Then spend the night together dancing away, having a laugh, and end by leaving together also. This was so hectic and disorganised, and the fact that it's in Leicester town, just put me off. The thing is I do actually want to go out, 'cause I'm so bored of sitting at home all the time. Hassan said we will start going out properly now, starting from this weekend, so we'll see if that materialises.
Anyway, what I've not really ever mentioned I don't think, but which has played the most major role during summer and the months since is Rap Battles. Probably because I know that the few of you who do occasionally read this, will have no interest in it whatsoever. However, when I've been spending 23 hours a day, confined to these colourful but boring walls, they have been the main stay of my sorry existence, occupying most of the hours. I don't really know how I got into battle rap in particular, but I know I started a couple years ago, watching this World Rap Championships which were from a few years earlier. So I spent a bit of time watching these, thinking they were the greatest thing I had heard, and then when I finished that, I just stopped. Over summer, I rekindled my interest, again I don't really remember what instigated it, but I'm glad it did. This time it's serious. Rap battles have been around for a few decades now, as anyone who has seen 8 Mile will know, but like everything, it has evolved and grown. Over the last few years especially, with new impressive leagues starting up in, America, Canada, UK, Scandinavia and even Eastern Asia. So as you may be able to tell, I've had a lot of catching up to do and a lot of time to do it in, which I have. As you'll probably be unfamiliar with it, each battle has slightly different rules, but all have a 3 rounds, a set time limit, and they and rapping prepared written bars. So it's not a couple of fools spitting meaningless one syllable rhymes, they are formulated, vicious barrages of lyrical genius. Rap battles are the most rawest, uncut, hardcore things you'll hear and definitely not for the faint hearted. So cold blooded, that's probably why I love it.
You might have heard me going on about it a bit on Twitter recently, and the
fact that the whole Rap Battle movement sort of has a cult following, even
though it's growing, they are not huge millionaire superstars with thousands of
followers. Which means, they actually retweet and reply to your comments, with
2 who even started to following me. I know it's not that exciting for you, but
in my world they are like Justin Bieber and One Direction. This sort of brings
me nicely on to what else I wanted to mention, one of the more famous of these
battle rappers has just released an album, and it it pretty fucking good.
Especially a couple of tracks, which I've fallen in love with. I posted them up
around a while ago, but in case you missed it, here they are again.
It's quite funny, because the four songs that I'm kind of addicted to at the moment are these two and Video Game and Blue Jeans by Lana Del Rey. Yeah I know, a bit of a weird combination. Talking of LDR she has been doing some live shows around the place, which has led to videos of these live performances on YouTube. Because it's just someone in the crowd recording it on their phone or camera, the quality is not the best but it is not too bad either. From her other unheard songs, two have really jumped out at me, Born To Die and China Doll. I actually can't wait for an album to be released and hear her music properly.
Also, there are so many movies out or coming out soon in the cinema that I want to watch. Machine Gun Preacher, Tower Heist, Moneyball, 50/50. I need to step my game up. Also, before I forget, I watched a cute little movie the other day called Like Crazy. I think I kinda liked it but I really need someone to talk to about so I can fully make up my mind! It's an indie romantic drama type, a little bit sad, a little bit happy, without giving too much away. So yeah, if you have some time, I suggest you watch it and let me know what you think. I think it may be released here in like February time, and I can see it being on of those movies that people (girls) go crazy about. But you can watch it online, pretty good copy, so I'm giving you a head start, here is a trailer...
"I feel so alone every Friday night
You make me feel like home, so I tell you you’re mine
Don’t make me sad, don’t make me cry
Songs of love aren’t enough when the road gets though
I don’t know why
You make me laugh,
Let’s all get high
Road’s long, we carry on
Should you have fun in the meantime
Come and take a walk on the wild side
Let me fuck you hard in the pouring rain"
"Dearest diary, I'm here perspiring these tears that tire me
What once was crystal clear has nearly disappeared entirely,
and left me hurting, I must be incorrectly learning
If I lose every girl I love
to some prick who's less deserving"
x
Tuesday, 8 November 2011
Video Games
So now that alot of my TV is back and underway, I thought it would be a good opportunity to talk about it. And for future reference, when I constantly go on about something, that's me recommending it, me liking it is a personal reference. Don't say you've not been warned! Depending on what's on at the time or what stage in the season the show is at, changes where I rank them, but at the moment it's something along these lines. In ascending order.
I started writing this post like a week ago, but have been back and forth on it since then. There's no real reason why, just kind of got half way through the list and thought, no one gives a shit, why am I still doing this! Lol. Like why don't I just post up trailers, and be done with, rather than all this effort. But then I realised this is what I love. I love yapping away about shit that no one else gives a fuck about. I don't even care if you don't care, I just like talking about my TV, even if it is to myself! :)
Rizzoli & Isles:
This is a crime based drama focusing on the life's of the two women leads, who are work colleagues and best friends, police detective Jane Rizzoli and Medical Examiner Mora Isles. Rizzoli is very tom-boyish and Isles is the polar opposite. Like most of the show I watch, this was my sisters recommendation. It's currently in a mid-season break of the second series. It has its captivating moments that make it worthwhile, most notably towards the seasons finales, but mostly it's just nice and watchable. It's still early in the shows life, I think it has potential, but don't think I'd shed a tear when it's time was up. However, it is nice to see two women leads, maybe a female perspective could get into it alot more. I'll still be watching it.
The Good Wife:
A Law based drama, which you can guess by the title, focuses around the life of the lead woman Alicia Floreck. The series starts with the fall out from her powerful politician husband's public affair. This impacts her relationship with her husband, the impact on her children, the start of her own career as a lawyer. The series is a few episodes in to its third season, and the show gets better with each one. There are quite a number of characters involved in the show, so there's plenty to love and hate. There's some very good performances in it, and it's taken America by quite a storm last year, winning various awards. It's pretty emotional stuff, and big issues being played with. Again it's with a strong woman lead, and maybe a woman might be able to relate to it more.
White Collar:
Another crime based drama, but unlike the others, this is not based around violent homicide cases, but instead as the title suggest, white collared criminals such as forgers and art thiefs. This gives the show a slightly lighter feel than some of the other, but it is still capable of producing some heavier, darker moments. The show revolves around the undeniably beautiful Matt Bomer as Neil Caffery, who is an convicted arts forger extraordinaire. However, the detective that has chased him for years and finally arrested his man when we are first introduced to the show, Peter, offers Niel a deal to work with the police as an expert in the field to help bring down other criminals of that kind, in exchange for a jail sentence. This leads to a very weird and interesting partnership and friendship between the two. This is one of the shows that I think my sister would rate higher in the list, and on another day, maybe I would to. It's currently on a mid-season break of the third season.
Leverage:
Leverage is another crime based drama, but these are no cops trying to solve a case. They are a team of five thiefs and grifters who help the innocent get back at the rich and powerful who have done them wrong. The team consists of a Hitter, Hacker, Grifter, Thief, and Mastermind (Timothy Hutton) as Nathan Ford. Sometimes the bad guys make the bes good guys. If anyone has watched the British show Hustle, it is basically the same format, but about 10 times better. It's on a lot bigger scale, more action, more drama, more character development. If you like that show, you will love this. Due to the nature of the cases the team are dealing with, (ie. not murder and homicide) it gives the show a lighter edge, and quite an uplifting feeling. All of the five characters have a major role to play and a few of the characters story lines intertwined with each other, which is always exciting. It is currently on a mid season break of the fourth season.
The Mentalist:
This is a crime based drama focusing around a team of four police detectives and a consultant in the shape of Patrick Jane (Simon Baker) aka The Mentalist. He is a hypnotist and body language expert who has a way of seeing things and dealing with people which is very different to the way the rest of the officers go about work. He reads people and goes on hunches, alot of the times getting in trouble with his police bosses, but on the most part, he delivers and stays as an essential part of the homicide solving team. He starts working with the police in order to catch the mysterious, elusive serial killer Red John, who murdered his wife and daughter before the show began. This brings a nice contrast into the show, as when Jane is dealing with a normal case, he is quite witty and funny, but when anything to do with Red John gets mentioned, he becomes very dark and vengeful. The show is a few episode into it's fourth season and I can truly say it's one that gets alot better. The first couple of seasons were watchable enough, but for me, it became repetitive and there wasn't much character development. However, the last season and the start of this have shook a whole lot of things up and it has drastically jumped up my rankings. Long may that rise continue.
Chuck:
Chuck is an action/comedy type situation. Even though, most of the other shows have funny, witty, light hearted moments in them, Chuck is the only one I would actually class as a comedy. It is about an average-joe computer nerd who accidentally installs the 'intersect' into his brain. The intersect is a government computer programme which holds all their secrets, as well as, enabling you to do whatever you focused on, i.e. martial arts, shooting guns, and whatever other stuff you have to do to take down bad guys. So this pretty much turned this regular nerdy guy into a super agent. He has a team of army veteran Casey and the gorgeous Sarah (Yvonne Strahovski) who also plays his love interest to show him the ropes. These three are the main characters but there is a larger cast and some of the best characters on TV! This is more where the comedy side comes in. I can't talk about them all individually, but you'll just have to take my word for it. Something about Chuck is just instantly relatable and likable. Especially for me, with the whole Chuck/Sarah thing, him being a normal geeky guy, starting to fall in love for the first time with this stunning woman who is out of his league, and all the mishaps and awkwardness that comes along with it. It was a cool story the way it was done. It's currently in its fifth and final season. It was meant to finish after the fourth but due to fan pressure it was extended for a one more season, but I have just read that this one will only have 13 episodes, compared to the 20+ of the others.
Castle:
Castle is a crime drama based show. Richard Castle (Nathan Fillion) is an award winning novelist, who starts working with the police in order to get an insight for his new crime thriller novel which he's going to base on a detective. That detective turns out the incredibly beautiful Kate Beckett played by Stana Katic. Similarly to The Mentalist, Castle becomes apart of a homicide detective team along with two other officers, led by Beckett. Castle and Beckett work well as a team, as she is tough, logical, and determined, whereas Castle is more theory based, throwing fantasy and wild stories about each case. From the very beginning of the show it is clear that there is sexual tension between the two, and as the show grows the chemistry only goes stronger. Without giving too much away, this slightly came to ahead at the end of season 2. Now I'm not very good with memory, and especially with all the stuff I watch alot of stuff gets mixed and confused, but the season 2 finale was one of 'those' moments, it was just so so sad. There relationship is one of the shows major pulling points, it is very well executed and continues to be done so, anyone who's into a bit of romance will love this. It's funny, because when my sister first told me about the show, I looked it up and saw Nathan Fillion and recognised him from TV and made my mind up that I didn't like him! But I gave it a chance, and oh my, how has this show changed that. It's currently in it's fourth season.
House:
House is a medical drama, and from all the stuff I watch is probably the most high profile and the one you've actually heard of. That is down to in no small part the pure awesomeness of Hugh Laurie who plays House. His Golden Globe winning performance in this show has not only made the show a massive hit worldwide, but also launched him into super stardom and the most recognisable character on TV. House is a diagnostician who takes on weird cases which nobody else can figure out but he enjoys the puzzle. He is also anti-social, rude, mean, unsympathetic, uncaring, obsessive and wild. As well as being a cripple and a drug addict. But he is the best at his job and the only one of his kind. But there is another side to this crazy doctor that most of the other characters don't get to see, but we as the audience have the privilege of doing so. There is pain, sadness, loneliness, and emptiness in his life. The show focuses on House's team solving cases, trying to save their patients, as well as, dealing with the personal life's of each of the characters. Since the success of the show, there have been other shows who have tried to imitate the House characters, (Not as well however) but when House came out, it was a breath of fresh air and unlike anything TV had seen. There was this genius of a man in a respectable position as a doctor, but he acted like one of the criminals you would see on a detective show. I remember sitting with my sister every Thursday night and watching it on channel 5 when it first came out over here in the UK. Ever since, I've been totally in love with House, the character and the show. This has been my favourite show and probably still is, but with the shock exit of Cuddy (Lisa Edelstein) and Thirteen (Olivia Wilde) both main characters, the whole show has been left a bit up in the air. It is currently in it's eight, and possibly but hopefully not, final season.
Dexter:
Well I'm going to start by saying Dexter is a crime, drama, mystery, thriller, but is like no other show! Some shows take a while for you to get into and start to like, but I think I knew after the first few lines of Dexter that this was for me. Dexter Morgan is a Blood Splatter Analyst who works in the forensics department of Miami Metro. But he is also a serial killer. However, unlike most serial killers, he only goes after other criminals and killers. So there is always this moral issue of us liking him as a character even though he a murderer. As a child, his father who was a police officer saw this killer side in him and taught him a 'code' to only use it for good, and to not get caught. Ever since, his father has passed, but Dexter has lived to this code. An emotionless, meticulous, cold blooded killer. But he blends in with society and leads a 'normal' life. The show itself is very dark and graphic, with haunting voiceovers cutting through you like only (Michael C. Hall) voice could. Each season focuses on a big main baddy, who Dexter goes after, while killing other smaller murderers on the way. Unlike all the other shows which have like 20+ episodes a season, Dexter only has 12, every season. This means the show only lasts 3 months of the year with a 9 month break in between each season, this only adds to the excitement I think. Also, the network it's shown on doesn't have adverts so each episode is like 52 minutes long compared to 42. I know it's only 10 minutes difference but in TV that equates to a lot. Each episode just hits hard and a punch to the gut which takes all your breath away. And every episode of every season is like that, like a mini movie, it's unrelenting. It cult following has turned into a crazy fan base which keeps growing. The show is half way through season 6 and it is just as good as ever.
I started writing this post like a week ago, but have been back and forth on it since then. There's no real reason why, just kind of got half way through the list and thought, no one gives a shit, why am I still doing this! Lol. Like why don't I just post up trailers, and be done with, rather than all this effort. But then I realised this is what I love. I love yapping away about shit that no one else gives a fuck about. I don't even care if you don't care, I just like talking about my TV, even if it is to myself! :)
Rizzoli & Isles:
This is a crime based drama focusing on the life's of the two women leads, who are work colleagues and best friends, police detective Jane Rizzoli and Medical Examiner Mora Isles. Rizzoli is very tom-boyish and Isles is the polar opposite. Like most of the show I watch, this was my sisters recommendation. It's currently in a mid-season break of the second series. It has its captivating moments that make it worthwhile, most notably towards the seasons finales, but mostly it's just nice and watchable. It's still early in the shows life, I think it has potential, but don't think I'd shed a tear when it's time was up. However, it is nice to see two women leads, maybe a female perspective could get into it alot more. I'll still be watching it.
The Good Wife:
A Law based drama, which you can guess by the title, focuses around the life of the lead woman Alicia Floreck. The series starts with the fall out from her powerful politician husband's public affair. This impacts her relationship with her husband, the impact on her children, the start of her own career as a lawyer. The series is a few episodes in to its third season, and the show gets better with each one. There are quite a number of characters involved in the show, so there's plenty to love and hate. There's some very good performances in it, and it's taken America by quite a storm last year, winning various awards. It's pretty emotional stuff, and big issues being played with. Again it's with a strong woman lead, and maybe a woman might be able to relate to it more.
White Collar:
Another crime based drama, but unlike the others, this is not based around violent homicide cases, but instead as the title suggest, white collared criminals such as forgers and art thiefs. This gives the show a slightly lighter feel than some of the other, but it is still capable of producing some heavier, darker moments. The show revolves around the undeniably beautiful Matt Bomer as Neil Caffery, who is an convicted arts forger extraordinaire. However, the detective that has chased him for years and finally arrested his man when we are first introduced to the show, Peter, offers Niel a deal to work with the police as an expert in the field to help bring down other criminals of that kind, in exchange for a jail sentence. This leads to a very weird and interesting partnership and friendship between the two. This is one of the shows that I think my sister would rate higher in the list, and on another day, maybe I would to. It's currently on a mid-season break of the third season.
Leverage:
Leverage is another crime based drama, but these are no cops trying to solve a case. They are a team of five thiefs and grifters who help the innocent get back at the rich and powerful who have done them wrong. The team consists of a Hitter, Hacker, Grifter, Thief, and Mastermind (Timothy Hutton) as Nathan Ford. Sometimes the bad guys make the bes good guys. If anyone has watched the British show Hustle, it is basically the same format, but about 10 times better. It's on a lot bigger scale, more action, more drama, more character development. If you like that show, you will love this. Due to the nature of the cases the team are dealing with, (ie. not murder and homicide) it gives the show a lighter edge, and quite an uplifting feeling. All of the five characters have a major role to play and a few of the characters story lines intertwined with each other, which is always exciting. It is currently on a mid season break of the fourth season.
The Mentalist:
This is a crime based drama focusing around a team of four police detectives and a consultant in the shape of Patrick Jane (Simon Baker) aka The Mentalist. He is a hypnotist and body language expert who has a way of seeing things and dealing with people which is very different to the way the rest of the officers go about work. He reads people and goes on hunches, alot of the times getting in trouble with his police bosses, but on the most part, he delivers and stays as an essential part of the homicide solving team. He starts working with the police in order to catch the mysterious, elusive serial killer Red John, who murdered his wife and daughter before the show began. This brings a nice contrast into the show, as when Jane is dealing with a normal case, he is quite witty and funny, but when anything to do with Red John gets mentioned, he becomes very dark and vengeful. The show is a few episode into it's fourth season and I can truly say it's one that gets alot better. The first couple of seasons were watchable enough, but for me, it became repetitive and there wasn't much character development. However, the last season and the start of this have shook a whole lot of things up and it has drastically jumped up my rankings. Long may that rise continue.
Chuck:
Chuck is an action/comedy type situation. Even though, most of the other shows have funny, witty, light hearted moments in them, Chuck is the only one I would actually class as a comedy. It is about an average-joe computer nerd who accidentally installs the 'intersect' into his brain. The intersect is a government computer programme which holds all their secrets, as well as, enabling you to do whatever you focused on, i.e. martial arts, shooting guns, and whatever other stuff you have to do to take down bad guys. So this pretty much turned this regular nerdy guy into a super agent. He has a team of army veteran Casey and the gorgeous Sarah (Yvonne Strahovski) who also plays his love interest to show him the ropes. These three are the main characters but there is a larger cast and some of the best characters on TV! This is more where the comedy side comes in. I can't talk about them all individually, but you'll just have to take my word for it. Something about Chuck is just instantly relatable and likable. Especially for me, with the whole Chuck/Sarah thing, him being a normal geeky guy, starting to fall in love for the first time with this stunning woman who is out of his league, and all the mishaps and awkwardness that comes along with it. It was a cool story the way it was done. It's currently in its fifth and final season. It was meant to finish after the fourth but due to fan pressure it was extended for a one more season, but I have just read that this one will only have 13 episodes, compared to the 20+ of the others.
Castle:
Castle is a crime drama based show. Richard Castle (Nathan Fillion) is an award winning novelist, who starts working with the police in order to get an insight for his new crime thriller novel which he's going to base on a detective. That detective turns out the incredibly beautiful Kate Beckett played by Stana Katic. Similarly to The Mentalist, Castle becomes apart of a homicide detective team along with two other officers, led by Beckett. Castle and Beckett work well as a team, as she is tough, logical, and determined, whereas Castle is more theory based, throwing fantasy and wild stories about each case. From the very beginning of the show it is clear that there is sexual tension between the two, and as the show grows the chemistry only goes stronger. Without giving too much away, this slightly came to ahead at the end of season 2. Now I'm not very good with memory, and especially with all the stuff I watch alot of stuff gets mixed and confused, but the season 2 finale was one of 'those' moments, it was just so so sad. There relationship is one of the shows major pulling points, it is very well executed and continues to be done so, anyone who's into a bit of romance will love this. It's funny, because when my sister first told me about the show, I looked it up and saw Nathan Fillion and recognised him from TV and made my mind up that I didn't like him! But I gave it a chance, and oh my, how has this show changed that. It's currently in it's fourth season.
House:
House is a medical drama, and from all the stuff I watch is probably the most high profile and the one you've actually heard of. That is down to in no small part the pure awesomeness of Hugh Laurie who plays House. His Golden Globe winning performance in this show has not only made the show a massive hit worldwide, but also launched him into super stardom and the most recognisable character on TV. House is a diagnostician who takes on weird cases which nobody else can figure out but he enjoys the puzzle. He is also anti-social, rude, mean, unsympathetic, uncaring, obsessive and wild. As well as being a cripple and a drug addict. But he is the best at his job and the only one of his kind. But there is another side to this crazy doctor that most of the other characters don't get to see, but we as the audience have the privilege of doing so. There is pain, sadness, loneliness, and emptiness in his life. The show focuses on House's team solving cases, trying to save their patients, as well as, dealing with the personal life's of each of the characters. Since the success of the show, there have been other shows who have tried to imitate the House characters, (Not as well however) but when House came out, it was a breath of fresh air and unlike anything TV had seen. There was this genius of a man in a respectable position as a doctor, but he acted like one of the criminals you would see on a detective show. I remember sitting with my sister every Thursday night and watching it on channel 5 when it first came out over here in the UK. Ever since, I've been totally in love with House, the character and the show. This has been my favourite show and probably still is, but with the shock exit of Cuddy (Lisa Edelstein) and Thirteen (Olivia Wilde) both main characters, the whole show has been left a bit up in the air. It is currently in it's eight, and possibly but hopefully not, final season.
Dexter:
Well I'm going to start by saying Dexter is a crime, drama, mystery, thriller, but is like no other show! Some shows take a while for you to get into and start to like, but I think I knew after the first few lines of Dexter that this was for me. Dexter Morgan is a Blood Splatter Analyst who works in the forensics department of Miami Metro. But he is also a serial killer. However, unlike most serial killers, he only goes after other criminals and killers. So there is always this moral issue of us liking him as a character even though he a murderer. As a child, his father who was a police officer saw this killer side in him and taught him a 'code' to only use it for good, and to not get caught. Ever since, his father has passed, but Dexter has lived to this code. An emotionless, meticulous, cold blooded killer. But he blends in with society and leads a 'normal' life. The show itself is very dark and graphic, with haunting voiceovers cutting through you like only (Michael C. Hall) voice could. Each season focuses on a big main baddy, who Dexter goes after, while killing other smaller murderers on the way. Unlike all the other shows which have like 20+ episodes a season, Dexter only has 12, every season. This means the show only lasts 3 months of the year with a 9 month break in between each season, this only adds to the excitement I think. Also, the network it's shown on doesn't have adverts so each episode is like 52 minutes long compared to 42. I know it's only 10 minutes difference but in TV that equates to a lot. Each episode just hits hard and a punch to the gut which takes all your breath away. And every episode of every season is like that, like a mini movie, it's unrelenting. It cult following has turned into a crazy fan base which keeps growing. The show is half way through season 6 and it is just as good as ever.
Monday, 31 October 2011
Untitled
I'm just warning you now, I have a feeling this post is going to be very shit. But I'm bored and need to kill some time. There were actually a few things I wanted to talk about but they're all pretty separate and random, so this all may seem a little jumpy and disjointed, but fuck it. I've been meaning to blog for a while but had nothing really to talk about. Started a post a few days ago, but then left it. That night laying in bed, it came to me and I thought 'yes, this is perfect'! Woke up the next morning and I TOTALLY forgot what it was. Don't have a clue whether it was an idea, concept, thought or whatever. Gone, vanished, like aliens invaded my brain while I was sleeping.
Talking of things happening while I sleep. Recently I started having dreams. I don't mean the metaphoric type, I mean literally. I never used to have them (or never remembered having any because apparently we all dream every night). But for the last few weeks, I've had dreams, some I don't remember, others I remember pieces, and a few I have the general gist of. And they are all pretty weird. Like the most recent one a few days ago that I remember, was me getting into a physical fight with Mike Tyson over what was the best chocolate in a box of Celebrations. Don't ask me. Before this, for like a week straight I had this very vivid and explicit reoccurring dream. It wasn't always exactly the same every night, but the basics were. It actually started altering my mood throughout the days a little.
Around this time, say a couple of weeks ago, I was in a very fucked up state of mind. It was weird, like I could be completely fine all day, even be in a good mood, but soon as I was in bed at night, I would just have these extreme lows. Just laying there with all sorts of thoughts running through my head. Had not really felt like that bad since my teeny years. Just a very black place, best I can describe it. But then I could wake up and be fine again. It really had me dreading night time, I would not want to switch off my laptop, or watch something till I fell asleep, or just have my iPod on really loud to stop me from thinking. It lasted for like a whole week and was pretty exhausting. But thankfully, that phase seems to have passed and I'm back to myself; just partially depressed.
Also, I've been having doubts about this job that I've been accepted for. I was meant to start last Monday, but we went in, waited for an hour and a half for the manager, for him to tell us in under a minute that there's been some sort of delay and he's not sure when we will start. He also weirdly added, if you get any other job offers in the meantime, you should take them! During this whole recruitment process he's been away and we've dealt with this young, ditsy reception woman. This was our first meeting with him, he seem alot more straight. I say our but it was only three of us, I don't know what happened to the other 5 I met. One of the guys, I get on with, and we went Subways together afterwards. The other guy, was the only one from the group of 8 that in our three meeting I hadn't spoken to. The thing about when I was looking for work was, I didn't mind what job it was, I didn't want to work evenings or weekends. This happens to be both, and on top is only commission based so not guaranteed to even make money, I don't think I'm a salesman. The day after I got accepted for this job, I got a phone call from Primark for an in store interview, but as I thought I was starting on the Monday, I rejected it. Ever since, I've kind of been regretting it. Even though, it's a shit job, and probably not as exciting as the other one, I knew it would be Monday to Friday, and how much I would be getting paid. This other job, they said you can't really take days off, and working like 10 and a half hour days for 6 days. Even if I did make decent money, there would be no real point, if I can't spend it doing the things that I love and enjoy. Like if I couldn't take off a day to go back to uni for old boys, or working during United in the Champions League. They were meant to ring but haven't done so. I don't know, I'm still unsure over it, but I've applied to a few other places. See what happens.
Again randomly moving on, today I completed my PGCE application form and sent it off. Applied to a Loughborough, Leicester Uni, some other Leicester school/collegey thing, and Man Met, not Cheshire unfortunately :( they, didn't have it or it would've been my first choice. Applied for PE in a couple of places and Primary and Secondary in the others. I don't know, just thought I'd tell you that, could be interesting in the future if it works out.
Finally... the biggest thing in my life this last week is LANA DEL REY! If you've paid any sort of attention to my Facebook or Twitter (which I'm sure you stalkers and creepers have) you know about this already. Weird one night last week I was just laying in bed, about to go sleep, reading a few tweets as you do, and Olivia Wilde shared a link to one of her songs. Not know what the link was, I clicked it, and as they say the rest is history. She's not got a full album or anything out, but she does have a couple of gorgeous singles out at the moment, and a few other songs floating around YouTube. The songs are described by her as, tragic love songs with hope, to which I can't think of anything better. Her sound and look are both pretty unique and special too. I have literally had her on repeat ever since I heard her and in particular these two songs. It's that kind of phase where no other music really sounds the same and I don't want to listen to anything other than her.
Anyway, I think that is enough ramble for now. And just in time for MNF! Have fun :) Ps. I can't think of a title for this post, so if you have any ideas, let me know and I will use that!
Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...
"I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of tomorrow. I'm afraid of watching you sail away and knowing you'll never come back."
x
Talking of things happening while I sleep. Recently I started having dreams. I don't mean the metaphoric type, I mean literally. I never used to have them (or never remembered having any because apparently we all dream every night). But for the last few weeks, I've had dreams, some I don't remember, others I remember pieces, and a few I have the general gist of. And they are all pretty weird. Like the most recent one a few days ago that I remember, was me getting into a physical fight with Mike Tyson over what was the best chocolate in a box of Celebrations. Don't ask me. Before this, for like a week straight I had this very vivid and explicit reoccurring dream. It wasn't always exactly the same every night, but the basics were. It actually started altering my mood throughout the days a little.
Around this time, say a couple of weeks ago, I was in a very fucked up state of mind. It was weird, like I could be completely fine all day, even be in a good mood, but soon as I was in bed at night, I would just have these extreme lows. Just laying there with all sorts of thoughts running through my head. Had not really felt like that bad since my teeny years. Just a very black place, best I can describe it. But then I could wake up and be fine again. It really had me dreading night time, I would not want to switch off my laptop, or watch something till I fell asleep, or just have my iPod on really loud to stop me from thinking. It lasted for like a whole week and was pretty exhausting. But thankfully, that phase seems to have passed and I'm back to myself; just partially depressed.
Also, I've been having doubts about this job that I've been accepted for. I was meant to start last Monday, but we went in, waited for an hour and a half for the manager, for him to tell us in under a minute that there's been some sort of delay and he's not sure when we will start. He also weirdly added, if you get any other job offers in the meantime, you should take them! During this whole recruitment process he's been away and we've dealt with this young, ditsy reception woman. This was our first meeting with him, he seem alot more straight. I say our but it was only three of us, I don't know what happened to the other 5 I met. One of the guys, I get on with, and we went Subways together afterwards. The other guy, was the only one from the group of 8 that in our three meeting I hadn't spoken to. The thing about when I was looking for work was, I didn't mind what job it was, I didn't want to work evenings or weekends. This happens to be both, and on top is only commission based so not guaranteed to even make money, I don't think I'm a salesman. The day after I got accepted for this job, I got a phone call from Primark for an in store interview, but as I thought I was starting on the Monday, I rejected it. Ever since, I've kind of been regretting it. Even though, it's a shit job, and probably not as exciting as the other one, I knew it would be Monday to Friday, and how much I would be getting paid. This other job, they said you can't really take days off, and working like 10 and a half hour days for 6 days. Even if I did make decent money, there would be no real point, if I can't spend it doing the things that I love and enjoy. Like if I couldn't take off a day to go back to uni for old boys, or working during United in the Champions League. They were meant to ring but haven't done so. I don't know, I'm still unsure over it, but I've applied to a few other places. See what happens.
Again randomly moving on, today I completed my PGCE application form and sent it off. Applied to a Loughborough, Leicester Uni, some other Leicester school/collegey thing, and Man Met, not Cheshire unfortunately :( they, didn't have it or it would've been my first choice. Applied for PE in a couple of places and Primary and Secondary in the others. I don't know, just thought I'd tell you that, could be interesting in the future if it works out.
Finally... the biggest thing in my life this last week is LANA DEL REY! If you've paid any sort of attention to my Facebook or Twitter (which I'm sure you stalkers and creepers have) you know about this already. Weird one night last week I was just laying in bed, about to go sleep, reading a few tweets as you do, and Olivia Wilde shared a link to one of her songs. Not know what the link was, I clicked it, and as they say the rest is history. She's not got a full album or anything out, but she does have a couple of gorgeous singles out at the moment, and a few other songs floating around YouTube. The songs are described by her as, tragic love songs with hope, to which I can't think of anything better. Her sound and look are both pretty unique and special too. I have literally had her on repeat ever since I heard her and in particular these two songs. It's that kind of phase where no other music really sounds the same and I don't want to listen to anything other than her.
Anyway, I think that is enough ramble for now. And just in time for MNF! Have fun :) Ps. I can't think of a title for this post, so if you have any ideas, let me know and I will use that!
Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...
"I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of tomorrow. I'm afraid of watching you sail away and knowing you'll never come back."
x
Wednesday, 19 October 2011
And at once I knew I was not magnificent..
I hadn't even realised that my last post was my 50th entry into this blogging world. If I had, I would've liked to mark the occasion with fireworks and Scrabble. I guess it doesn't really sound like much, and would have been more if not for my summer hiatus, but for someone like me it's quite an achievement to have reached this landmark. See writing like this doesn't come as naturally to me as I know it does to some of you reading this, and even the smallest and most pointless posts end up taking up a considerable amount of time. Moreover, I hardly ever have anything of any value to comment on, so fifty ramblings is an accomplishment. New comers to The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows have a little look see at some of my older posts, catch up on what you've missed out on, and what I was like before you even knew I existed.
After a couple of weeks filling out applications and emailing CV's, I finally found work and been accepted for a job. I'm sure no one really gives a shit and it's pretty boring to be honest, so I'll be quick. It's a place called Montana Marketing (The guy who owns it is called Tony, just sayin'). It's in town, a bus ride away. I am starting off as a 'Field Representative', which is just a fancy title for door to door sales, selling energy. It is commissioned based, which I know some people are weird about, but it doesn't really bother me. The hours are Monday to Friday, 11am to 9.30pm, and occasional Saturdays. The evening and Saturday things are the only problems at the moment, but I'm sure I'll find some way of figuring it out. The place itself and the people I've met so far are all young and fun, which is kind of exciting. I start this Monday, and I am looking forward to it.
That was a little side note, the real reason I bought it up is because of something the woman that did my interviews and induction said. When offering me the job, she said "You seem like a really happy, positive person, and are the smiliest person I've met! I like happy, smiley people". At this stage I actually laughed out loud, and she just said "Ooh the smile's even bigger now!". Later that night, just before bed, I watched Dexter. And as I lay there trying to sleep whilst simultaneously reflecting on the episode and my life in general, I began to think of the things we had in common and how I could relate to him. He is a serial killer, but he also blends into society by being a father, brother, blood splatter analyst, etc. And with each role he is a different person, for example, the way he acts around a killer laying on his table, to playing with his infant son, is totally separate. Same as how he is a new person when he would spend alone time with his wife, or give simple brotherly advice to his sister, or be working a murder case. And can differ be from one extreme to another, from one scene to the next. He could not be in serial killer mode at work in a police station, it wouldn't work, he would get caught. He learned to adapt to each situation, to perfect each role to make it work, in order to survive and be successful.
In many ways I feel I am the same. I am a son, a brother, a friend (Leicester), a friend (Crewe), and now a worker, and I don't I can honestly say I am the same in any role. The way I am around my parents is different to how I am in front of my siblings. The way I talk to my friends in Leicester is different to the way I talk to my Uni friends. With work, I knew I had to portray myself as a confident, positive, fun person in order to get the job. That's what I did, and that's what they saw. Some people may consider this as being fake or putting on an act, which I guess it kind of technically is, but in my eyes, each role I play is as important to me as the other. I consider all of them to be apart of me. It's what I am, it's what make me, me. I feel most people are like this in reality. I am only ever what I want you to see. I am whatever you need me to be.
Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...
One of each, just because it's been a while...
The first person who's on your mind the moment you open your eyes after a long sleep is the reason of either your happiness or your pain.
"Men can change. But what about monsters?.. Because monsters don't get to have a happy ending".
I feel afraid and I call your name
I love your voice and your dance insane
I hear your words and I know your pain
Your head in your hands and her kiss on the lips of another
x
After a couple of weeks filling out applications and emailing CV's, I finally found work and been accepted for a job. I'm sure no one really gives a shit and it's pretty boring to be honest, so I'll be quick. It's a place called Montana Marketing (The guy who owns it is called Tony, just sayin'). It's in town, a bus ride away. I am starting off as a 'Field Representative', which is just a fancy title for door to door sales, selling energy. It is commissioned based, which I know some people are weird about, but it doesn't really bother me. The hours are Monday to Friday, 11am to 9.30pm, and occasional Saturdays. The evening and Saturday things are the only problems at the moment, but I'm sure I'll find some way of figuring it out. The place itself and the people I've met so far are all young and fun, which is kind of exciting. I start this Monday, and I am looking forward to it.
That was a little side note, the real reason I bought it up is because of something the woman that did my interviews and induction said. When offering me the job, she said "You seem like a really happy, positive person, and are the smiliest person I've met! I like happy, smiley people". At this stage I actually laughed out loud, and she just said "Ooh the smile's even bigger now!". Later that night, just before bed, I watched Dexter. And as I lay there trying to sleep whilst simultaneously reflecting on the episode and my life in general, I began to think of the things we had in common and how I could relate to him. He is a serial killer, but he also blends into society by being a father, brother, blood splatter analyst, etc. And with each role he is a different person, for example, the way he acts around a killer laying on his table, to playing with his infant son, is totally separate. Same as how he is a new person when he would spend alone time with his wife, or give simple brotherly advice to his sister, or be working a murder case. And can differ be from one extreme to another, from one scene to the next. He could not be in serial killer mode at work in a police station, it wouldn't work, he would get caught. He learned to adapt to each situation, to perfect each role to make it work, in order to survive and be successful.
In many ways I feel I am the same. I am a son, a brother, a friend (Leicester), a friend (Crewe), and now a worker, and I don't I can honestly say I am the same in any role. The way I am around my parents is different to how I am in front of my siblings. The way I talk to my friends in Leicester is different to the way I talk to my Uni friends. With work, I knew I had to portray myself as a confident, positive, fun person in order to get the job. That's what I did, and that's what they saw. Some people may consider this as being fake or putting on an act, which I guess it kind of technically is, but in my eyes, each role I play is as important to me as the other. I consider all of them to be apart of me. It's what I am, it's what make me, me. I feel most people are like this in reality. I am only ever what I want you to see. I am whatever you need me to be.
Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...
One of each, just because it's been a while...
The first person who's on your mind the moment you open your eyes after a long sleep is the reason of either your happiness or your pain.
"Men can change. But what about monsters?.. Because monsters don't get to have a happy ending".
I feel afraid and I call your name
I love your voice and your dance insane
I hear your words and I know your pain
Your head in your hands and her kiss on the lips of another
x
Wednesday, 28 September 2011
Sic Transit Gloria... Glory Fades
So this week I went back to my old old stomping ground of Crewe to experience a few days of Freshers again. It was both an interesting and weird experience to be honest. I was excited to be going back and seeing some of my best friends, but at the same time, due to the events of preceding weeks, I knew it would not be the same.
This time last week Wednesday, I was having a lovely meal at Dragon Inn with the boys; Andi, Jake, Fisher, Patryk, & Vince. This was followed by Bowling which was also fun. Before that, we had all gone for a round of golf. I say golf, I just strolled around some fields eating Rolo's, but it was still nice to spend some time with people and catch up. The night drew to a close.
Thursday morning started with a nice breakfast trip to McDonald's with Lorna. (I know how much she loves this blog and how excited she gets when I mention her name, so there). Again, it was good catching up, even if it was only for a little while, I would have liked to talk to her properly. The rest of the day was spent at the house playing Fifa with the boys, which is always good and reminds me of how much practice I need! Andi came back from Uni and we went Subways (my first one since uni), then to see Pav and Was in halls. I don't know what it is but I like being around that group, even though Aiden wasn't around. Bit of drinking, then back to Jake's for a quick stop off, where Rachel and her housemates were, before leaving for the Old Nunnery to meet Amy (or Cat) and her new clan.
This is where a bit of the weirdness kicked in. I knew it would be strange going back to Crewe and doing all the things that I used with the same people, now that things had changed. But it only really hit me once I got to the house and was sitting in the kitchen. I kinda just sat on a stool off to one side while everyone was happy in the haze of a drunken hour. All I could think about was of all the times that I had spent in this kitchen, and memories were just flooding back. Like the last time I was here, there were only the two of us cooking pasta. I had become comfortable in that kitchen but I felt like the outsider again. My mood wasn't really helped by having drink spilt down my trousers and neon paint smeared on my jacket. Then just to top it off I was asked by one of Rachel's housemates if my girlfriend was here! I tried to smile and stuff the best I could, but after a while I went outside to kinda get away from it all.
This is when the night started to take a turn for the up. Amy came outside and gave me Haribos which was rather cool, made me smile and brightened my spirits. I went back in and even joined in with a bit of small talk. Highlight was one of the girls calling me mean for not introducing myself in her house but instead taking the piss, and then for her to find out that I had actually spent more nights there than she had. It was soon time to leave for Steam, and me, Amy, Jake, and Rachel headed off in our little pack. It was very busy, and could tell just by the que.
The night like everything else on the trip was a weird one. We went to the Indie floor, but the new DJ is absolutely shit, and played like four indie songs the whole night. Not the best start. I guess everyone was pretty drunk and the only two that weren't were me and Amy, so it kind of just ended up us two chilling together for the entire night. The music was awful so we went upstairs for a minute and then outside for a little fag break. Once we got back in the music was still as bad, so I thought it might be interesting to check the new place that had been added to the indie floor. It's the corner room but with big beany bag things and blankets, and weird colourful cubes. As it was slightly separate, we could still hear the music but it wasn't as loud, so it was nice to be able to just sit there and talk. Spent pretty much the rest of the night there and ended up having more fun than I thought. Just as I was getting ready to hang the DJ, he played a Brand New which was pretty cool. Bibby's and home time.
Friday was again weird. For some reason, which I still don't know why, I was in a really strange mood. Didn't really do much, just got changed and came home. The train journey was one of the worst. But the overall few days were really good and exactly what I needed. I miss that lifestyle very much, as well as the people still there. It was cool, 'cause over the couple of days, everyone in their own way just made me feel (at the risk of sounding gay) loved. It just kind of warmed me up and let me know that there are people that still care about me and it's not all doom and gloom. I guess it was just all the little things; the outrageous banter flying around when I'm with Andi and Pav; Sheils coming up to me and having a talk and explaining how he understood how I felt; Seeing Jake and Rachel together so happy, easily my favourite couple, they are so funny together; and was also worried about how Amy and Alex would react to me now that I was no longer with Lina, but Alex in a drunken state gave me a big hug and called me her favourite and Amy out of sober, conscience choice (no excuses!) decided to spend the night in my company.
So when I say you are the bestest of peoples, I actually mean it and appreciate it fully. So thank you all, sincerely <3
Thought/Quote/Lyric of the day...
"You cant change your situation, the only thing you can change is how you choose to deal with it".
x
This time last week Wednesday, I was having a lovely meal at Dragon Inn with the boys; Andi, Jake, Fisher, Patryk, & Vince. This was followed by Bowling which was also fun. Before that, we had all gone for a round of golf. I say golf, I just strolled around some fields eating Rolo's, but it was still nice to spend some time with people and catch up. The night drew to a close.
Thursday morning started with a nice breakfast trip to McDonald's with Lorna. (I know how much she loves this blog and how excited she gets when I mention her name, so there). Again, it was good catching up, even if it was only for a little while, I would have liked to talk to her properly. The rest of the day was spent at the house playing Fifa with the boys, which is always good and reminds me of how much practice I need! Andi came back from Uni and we went Subways (my first one since uni), then to see Pav and Was in halls. I don't know what it is but I like being around that group, even though Aiden wasn't around. Bit of drinking, then back to Jake's for a quick stop off, where Rachel and her housemates were, before leaving for the Old Nunnery to meet Amy (or Cat) and her new clan.
This is where a bit of the weirdness kicked in. I knew it would be strange going back to Crewe and doing all the things that I used with the same people, now that things had changed. But it only really hit me once I got to the house and was sitting in the kitchen. I kinda just sat on a stool off to one side while everyone was happy in the haze of a drunken hour. All I could think about was of all the times that I had spent in this kitchen, and memories were just flooding back. Like the last time I was here, there were only the two of us cooking pasta. I had become comfortable in that kitchen but I felt like the outsider again. My mood wasn't really helped by having drink spilt down my trousers and neon paint smeared on my jacket. Then just to top it off I was asked by one of Rachel's housemates if my girlfriend was here! I tried to smile and stuff the best I could, but after a while I went outside to kinda get away from it all.
This is when the night started to take a turn for the up. Amy came outside and gave me Haribos which was rather cool, made me smile and brightened my spirits. I went back in and even joined in with a bit of small talk. Highlight was one of the girls calling me mean for not introducing myself in her house but instead taking the piss, and then for her to find out that I had actually spent more nights there than she had. It was soon time to leave for Steam, and me, Amy, Jake, and Rachel headed off in our little pack. It was very busy, and could tell just by the que.
The night like everything else on the trip was a weird one. We went to the Indie floor, but the new DJ is absolutely shit, and played like four indie songs the whole night. Not the best start. I guess everyone was pretty drunk and the only two that weren't were me and Amy, so it kind of just ended up us two chilling together for the entire night. The music was awful so we went upstairs for a minute and then outside for a little fag break. Once we got back in the music was still as bad, so I thought it might be interesting to check the new place that had been added to the indie floor. It's the corner room but with big beany bag things and blankets, and weird colourful cubes. As it was slightly separate, we could still hear the music but it wasn't as loud, so it was nice to be able to just sit there and talk. Spent pretty much the rest of the night there and ended up having more fun than I thought. Just as I was getting ready to hang the DJ, he played a Brand New which was pretty cool. Bibby's and home time.
Friday was again weird. For some reason, which I still don't know why, I was in a really strange mood. Didn't really do much, just got changed and came home. The train journey was one of the worst. But the overall few days were really good and exactly what I needed. I miss that lifestyle very much, as well as the people still there. It was cool, 'cause over the couple of days, everyone in their own way just made me feel (at the risk of sounding gay) loved. It just kind of warmed me up and let me know that there are people that still care about me and it's not all doom and gloom. I guess it was just all the little things; the outrageous banter flying around when I'm with Andi and Pav; Sheils coming up to me and having a talk and explaining how he understood how I felt; Seeing Jake and Rachel together so happy, easily my favourite couple, they are so funny together; and was also worried about how Amy and Alex would react to me now that I was no longer with Lina, but Alex in a drunken state gave me a big hug and called me her favourite and Amy out of sober, conscience choice (no excuses!) decided to spend the night in my company.
So when I say you are the bestest of peoples, I actually mean it and appreciate it fully. So thank you all, sincerely <3
Thought/Quote/Lyric of the day...
"You cant change your situation, the only thing you can change is how you choose to deal with it".
x
Saturday, 24 September 2011
Okay I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't
I've been contemplating about writing this post for several weeks now, and I have to say this is easily the hardest one I have ever written. Even as I sit typing here now, I don't know if this post will actually see the day of light, or will be abandoned in the darkness of the drafts list, like its various predecessors. I started this blog for me, I wanted somewhere I could vent, without friends, followers, likes, comments, or mentions. Somewhere I could be true to myself. Even now, I'll occasionally stroll back through the archive and start reading an old post of mine at random, and enjoy the memories it brings, remembering how I was feeling at that time or what I was going through. So on numerous nights whilst I sat here struggling for the right words to come along in the right order, I seriously considered just not mentioning this episode, and moving the blog on. But I eventually felt that would be the easy way out and not really true to myself. Especially as this ride has been the best of my life, it deserves a final chapter, a last scene, one final curtain call.
Over the last couple of weeks my life has changed dramatically somewhat. What I held and trusted to be true and sincere, turned around and gave me a rude awakening. I let my guard down and in a moment of weakness, I got hurt. The fact is, I don't really feel like I can talk about other people's actions or choices on here, that's not right or fair. So instead, I'll focus on myself and the situation from my point of view. There are a few of you out there who know the full story and will be able to follow, but for those who are unaware of all the details, I'm sorry if it all comes across slightly cryptic and confusing. It is what it is.
Me and Lina broke up, in my eyes anyway, 1 month and 14 days short of the one year anniversary of the first time we met. Us having to break up was inevitable, we knew that day was coming from the moment we agreed to go on this journey together. We had accepted we would not be together for the rest of our lives, no matter how much we wanted that. But the truth is, if I could change one thing about our perfect relationship, it would be the circumstances of our break up and the situation surrounding it. It would not have been the way I wanted to end things in an ideal world. But life is as such, and things happen beyond your control and it is up to you to adapt and deal with them the best you can. I am not going to lie, when we had 'that' conversation in Birmingham, I was in shock. It is fair to say I did not know how to react to the information I was being told. I know we talked for a while, but I don't remember much of the finer details of what was being said, my mind was occupied with too many thoughts running through it overloading any conscience thought, emotions clouding all logic and rationale. Instead, as almost by instinct when I'm hurt, I fell behind my jokey persona and pretended nothing phased me. It was only later that night, when I was laying in bed, by myself, in the dark, with nothing else but the dangerous predicament of my mind working overtime, I really started to accept how I felt. Several tears formed in my eyes and ran down the side of my face. I guess you could call that crying but it didn't feel like it. You could call me cold hearted, but it was the first time I 'cried' for as far back as I can remember.
I predict I've been through a wide range of the emotional spectrum since; upset, hurt, disillusioned, angry, insecure, paranoid, indifferent, so on and so forth. It's made me into a person I don't like or don't want to be. I find myself at times feeling bitter and resentful, and I hate those qualities in people, and hate myself more for feeling like that, but it's what I've been reduced to. It's like the one person I could trust with my whole life and could always rely on, just went and shattered that belief. The one person who I never thought would be capable of hurting me, did just that. And I wasn't quite sure how to react or respond. See I've tried blocking everything out and talking nice but it seems contrived, and I've tried not speaking to her but that only makes me miss her more. I think the truth is I'm just very confused myself. It's the combination of still loving her to pieces and at the same time knowing I won't be able to look, talk, or hold to her in the same way. The nights are the worst for this, and it's driving me insane. The way I see it, before you do something that will effect someone else, you have two options of thought. You either don't consider them at all and go ahead with it, or they cross your mind but then you go ahead with it anyway. I don't know which one I'd prefer. It's weird what a persons faith and love in you will do, I used to feel untouchable, like Superman, now I just feel paranoid and insecure, like the crooked individuals he went after. I know it's probably not the case, but at the moment it just feels like I won't be able to go through all that again, and open myself up to the trust in people anymore.
The truth is she is the first girl that I ever loved, and the first girl that ever loved me. She changed my life for the better in so many ways. She is definitely unique and I'll never have what I had with her with anyone else. She is truly special. I owe her everyday I wake. I'm sure there will be many bystanders, and people going through similar situations who will totally disagree with me, but in my heart I think I have a right to feel the way I do. Of course this is only my side of the story, and like with every good story there are always two sides. And I'm sure she has her own, just as valid and justified, if not more. I know I'll always want her around in some capacity, for as long as she still wants to be there. But the earth don't give a shit about us, it keeps spinning, and life moves on. Now so must we.
Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...
"Our suffering is peeling off and revealing a brand new skin, a new power. Love heals all wounds and not just time alone".
Over the last couple of weeks my life has changed dramatically somewhat. What I held and trusted to be true and sincere, turned around and gave me a rude awakening. I let my guard down and in a moment of weakness, I got hurt. The fact is, I don't really feel like I can talk about other people's actions or choices on here, that's not right or fair. So instead, I'll focus on myself and the situation from my point of view. There are a few of you out there who know the full story and will be able to follow, but for those who are unaware of all the details, I'm sorry if it all comes across slightly cryptic and confusing. It is what it is.
Me and Lina broke up, in my eyes anyway, 1 month and 14 days short of the one year anniversary of the first time we met. Us having to break up was inevitable, we knew that day was coming from the moment we agreed to go on this journey together. We had accepted we would not be together for the rest of our lives, no matter how much we wanted that. But the truth is, if I could change one thing about our perfect relationship, it would be the circumstances of our break up and the situation surrounding it. It would not have been the way I wanted to end things in an ideal world. But life is as such, and things happen beyond your control and it is up to you to adapt and deal with them the best you can. I am not going to lie, when we had 'that' conversation in Birmingham, I was in shock. It is fair to say I did not know how to react to the information I was being told. I know we talked for a while, but I don't remember much of the finer details of what was being said, my mind was occupied with too many thoughts running through it overloading any conscience thought, emotions clouding all logic and rationale. Instead, as almost by instinct when I'm hurt, I fell behind my jokey persona and pretended nothing phased me. It was only later that night, when I was laying in bed, by myself, in the dark, with nothing else but the dangerous predicament of my mind working overtime, I really started to accept how I felt. Several tears formed in my eyes and ran down the side of my face. I guess you could call that crying but it didn't feel like it. You could call me cold hearted, but it was the first time I 'cried' for as far back as I can remember.
I predict I've been through a wide range of the emotional spectrum since; upset, hurt, disillusioned, angry, insecure, paranoid, indifferent, so on and so forth. It's made me into a person I don't like or don't want to be. I find myself at times feeling bitter and resentful, and I hate those qualities in people, and hate myself more for feeling like that, but it's what I've been reduced to. It's like the one person I could trust with my whole life and could always rely on, just went and shattered that belief. The one person who I never thought would be capable of hurting me, did just that. And I wasn't quite sure how to react or respond. See I've tried blocking everything out and talking nice but it seems contrived, and I've tried not speaking to her but that only makes me miss her more. I think the truth is I'm just very confused myself. It's the combination of still loving her to pieces and at the same time knowing I won't be able to look, talk, or hold to her in the same way. The nights are the worst for this, and it's driving me insane. The way I see it, before you do something that will effect someone else, you have two options of thought. You either don't consider them at all and go ahead with it, or they cross your mind but then you go ahead with it anyway. I don't know which one I'd prefer. It's weird what a persons faith and love in you will do, I used to feel untouchable, like Superman, now I just feel paranoid and insecure, like the crooked individuals he went after. I know it's probably not the case, but at the moment it just feels like I won't be able to go through all that again, and open myself up to the trust in people anymore.
The truth is she is the first girl that I ever loved, and the first girl that ever loved me. She changed my life for the better in so many ways. She is definitely unique and I'll never have what I had with her with anyone else. She is truly special. I owe her everyday I wake. I'm sure there will be many bystanders, and people going through similar situations who will totally disagree with me, but in my heart I think I have a right to feel the way I do. Of course this is only my side of the story, and like with every good story there are always two sides. And I'm sure she has her own, just as valid and justified, if not more. I know I'll always want her around in some capacity, for as long as she still wants to be there. But the earth don't give a shit about us, it keeps spinning, and life moves on. Now so must we.
Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...
"Our suffering is peeling off and revealing a brand new skin, a new power. Love heals all wounds and not just time alone".
Monday, 5 September 2011
In The Real World
As you might have been able to tell by my last post, the last couple of days have not been the best in my life. In fact, you could go as far as to saying, they have been some of the worst. Conversations I could have gone through my whole life without, and the likes of which I hope to never go through again. All confidence has been sucked out of me, feel insignificant and insecure. The lack of football during the weekend has not helped either, only left endless time for me to wander inside my own thoughts, dangerous place at times. So I was fully expecting to come on here and let a bit of steam off, and rip into a few issues. However, the events of today have kind of flipped that notion on its head. Today has been a good day. A much needed one.
It actually started off pretty bad in fairness, but I guess things always get worse before they get better. The rut kind of ended when I went into town with one of my best friends. He just gets me, we have an understanding and connection, like I have with no one else. I need his voice and presence in my life every now and again. I can be happy with him even when we're talking about depressing matters. We talk a lot. And I like to listen into his life, takes the thoughts away from my own. Without giving too much away, town today with just the two of us was pretty awkward and funny. Had fun. Before I could get home and tweet I was hungry, I was back out with him, going to eat. Went to a new place, which made quite a nice change from the five straight days of Maryland.
Just when my evening looked like taking a turn for the worse without TV or a film to settle in with, she called me. It was a pleasant surprise, as I was definitely not expecting it. It erased some fears. We've not spoken in quite a while, I actually don't remember the last time, so it was nice hearing her voice again and being able to smile and laugh together. On that note, I'm going to Birmingham on Thursday, which is very exciting. First time we're seeing each other since our week in Crewe, and for the first time since our situation has changed. I bought two t-shirts last week, which one do you think I should wear? I'm leaning more towards the black one myself, just because think it goes better with the rest of my outfit!
Tonight, my little situation was put into perspective. I found out that my old art teacher's husband past away today. They also had a little daughter together. It just kind of shocks you, as this was the first I'd heard of it and was all so sudden. She posted pictures of the three of them together all the time, I didn't know them but I had met her husband and daughter in class. It just makes you think, you're so encapsulated in your own little lives and problems, that you don't even really consider anything else. We've known each other under a year, and we may no longer be together, but I can still talk to her or see her. And I feel like shit. They were married for over ten years, and she nor her daughter no longer have the same luxuries. Can't begin to imagine their pain.
I had quite a weird dream the other day. I'm not much of a dreamer but recently they been coming to me more regularly. This one was quite interesting, so much so, as soon as I woke up I wrote it down in my phone. It went something along the lines of our whole lives are there to portray someone else's. And everyone I know plays a different role. I'm just a small role in the bigger movie. To clarify, I played myself in a biographic about someone else. Whilst living my life and coming to the end of playing my part (the present day), it dawned on me how much of a small role I actually played in this persons life, who I know and considered to be relatively close to. I know, told you was kind of a weird concept, but rather interesting.
I kind of changed the look of this shiz, was getting bored of the old one. Hope you like it, know that some of you won't. Won't be long till I'm bored of this one too.
Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...
"If you fight, you might lose. But if you don't fight, then you have already lost".
"Within you, I lose myself. Without you, I find myself wanting to be lost again".
x
Saturday, 3 September 2011
01/09/11
There's only one thing on my mind, but it also feels like that's the only thing I can't really talk about.
So instead I'm going to let music tell my story (especially now that I've learnt how to post videos). These have randomly popped up on my iPod the last couple of days, kind of kept me intact and kept me going. Make of them what you will.
For now though, I am gone... x
So instead I'm going to let music tell my story (especially now that I've learnt how to post videos). These have randomly popped up on my iPod the last couple of days, kind of kept me intact and kept me going. Make of them what you will.
Now I don't expect anyone to listen to all or any of these songs, or even like them for that matter, but it's just nice for me to have a little collection of my own. Something I can relate to. I'll probably add to and edit the songs during the next couple of days accordingly. Maybe I'll look back at this post in time and it'll bring back some memories. For now though, I am gone... x
Sunday, 21 August 2011
The Death Of You And Me
Ok, it's been a few eventful weeks in the world since I last posted. There was a time just before that, where I was hoping for such events, to give me the fuel to comment on. Eminem once said in an interview, (and I'm paraphrasing here) "my life is good at the moment... hopefully it doesn't get too good or I'll have nothing to rap about!". See, my life had taken a vacation on rosey lane, and I felt I had nothing to 'rap' about, apart from the mundane. So when such incidents as the riots hitting our streets and the new football season starting occurred, I had a chance to dust of the old cob webs off and attack with vim and vigour. This never happened. I lay in bed at night, my mind swirling with a wonderful concoction of images, ideas, and stories. I would think to myself, this is perfect, I'll write it up tomorrow. This never happened.
I could give my views on the riots, but it would be nothing more than what has already been covered by people far more qualified than me. For a start, it was strange of me to take such a keen interest in a news story, even one of this magnitude and so close to home. Sure I love a good serial killer case, like the rest of you, who doesn't; but for the most part, I like to keep my head in my own happy bubble and not be brought down by the misery and tragedy of our world. However, this changed on this occasion. Maybe it was the proximity, maybe it was the enormity, or maybe it was just impossible to avoid. Whatever the reason, I was fascinated and hooked. I had Sky News playing constantly, staying awake into the earliest of hours, web pages, articles, blogs, newspapers, and people feeding me as much information as I could comprehend. I wanted to know everything.
But my interest ended as quickly as it started, with the chaos subsiding and making way for more important events, ala premier league. A new season, a new chapter, a new dawn. There is nothing quite like the pre season optimism from fans, regardless of how successful or not your team was the previous campaign. It's a clean slate, everyone's on a level playing field, anything can happen, this is going to be the one. There is nothing more I could say to explain the passion and love surrounding the beautiful game that Jake hasn't already so eloquently put in his last post. If you know who he is (which I'm guessing you do), go read it. And if you don't, then I empathise with you. http://faultygaschamber.blogspot.com/2011/08/time-will-tell-us-nothing-ill-take.html
I'm glad that the new football season has started, which has given me something to look forward to and smile about. Because this last week, my vacation on rosey lane came to an abrupt and inevitable end. Now I'm sure it's a combination of things; I'm day 20 in to my month of fasting, the snatched pockets of sleep, hardly stepping out of my room let alone my house, not spending any time with my friends, and missing the one I love most. All these have my brain feeling like black hole. Bored and stuck in a rut. I feel lost. I want to be left alone in the company of my own misery. I don't have the energy or motivation to make any meaningful conversation, which only makes me resent the people I'm talking to. I don't know what or how I feel anymore. I don't know if it's still the same. I feel numb and void of feeling. My mind state has gone back a couple of years. Today morning I forgot how old I was. I had to use my date of birth to actually calculate my age. It may seem shit, but atleast it's given me something to rap about.
Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h04I5MtuOMw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdSIlVZhsDw&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmVAWKfJ4Go&feature=related
x
I could give my views on the riots, but it would be nothing more than what has already been covered by people far more qualified than me. For a start, it was strange of me to take such a keen interest in a news story, even one of this magnitude and so close to home. Sure I love a good serial killer case, like the rest of you, who doesn't; but for the most part, I like to keep my head in my own happy bubble and not be brought down by the misery and tragedy of our world. However, this changed on this occasion. Maybe it was the proximity, maybe it was the enormity, or maybe it was just impossible to avoid. Whatever the reason, I was fascinated and hooked. I had Sky News playing constantly, staying awake into the earliest of hours, web pages, articles, blogs, newspapers, and people feeding me as much information as I could comprehend. I wanted to know everything.
But my interest ended as quickly as it started, with the chaos subsiding and making way for more important events, ala premier league. A new season, a new chapter, a new dawn. There is nothing quite like the pre season optimism from fans, regardless of how successful or not your team was the previous campaign. It's a clean slate, everyone's on a level playing field, anything can happen, this is going to be the one. There is nothing more I could say to explain the passion and love surrounding the beautiful game that Jake hasn't already so eloquently put in his last post. If you know who he is (which I'm guessing you do), go read it. And if you don't, then I empathise with you. http://faultygaschamber.blogspot.com/2011/08/time-will-tell-us-nothing-ill-take.html
I'm glad that the new football season has started, which has given me something to look forward to and smile about. Because this last week, my vacation on rosey lane came to an abrupt and inevitable end. Now I'm sure it's a combination of things; I'm day 20 in to my month of fasting, the snatched pockets of sleep, hardly stepping out of my room let alone my house, not spending any time with my friends, and missing the one I love most. All these have my brain feeling like black hole. Bored and stuck in a rut. I feel lost. I want to be left alone in the company of my own misery. I don't have the energy or motivation to make any meaningful conversation, which only makes me resent the people I'm talking to. I don't know what or how I feel anymore. I don't know if it's still the same. I feel numb and void of feeling. My mind state has gone back a couple of years. Today morning I forgot how old I was. I had to use my date of birth to actually calculate my age. It may seem shit, but atleast it's given me something to rap about.
Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h04I5MtuOMw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdSIlVZhsDw&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmVAWKfJ4Go&feature=related
x
Monday, 1 August 2011
Nevermind
Hello blog world, (which are the three people that follow me). I'm just going to warn you now, if there are parts of this blog that don't make sense, that's because I'm in a bit of a haze right now. My brain is not at 100% capacity. This is partly down to ramadan starting and today being my first fast. This fasting process lasts a month, where you abstain from food and drink from sunrise to sunset, which on these long summer days is approximately from 2am to 9pm. As you may be aware, I am not the most religious of types, but I can appreciate this holy month for what it is, and fully believe in the philosophy and principles. You learn to appreciate what you have and be grateful, where we, myself included, are normally too quick to complain about the most insignificant of things. Like today, yes I was hungry and tired, but when it came to open my fast, I had a big table full of food to look forward to and then a nice comfy bed to get in to, whereas, the less fortunate in the world don't have the same luxuries, this is their life.
The week leading up to this has been a great one. It all started on Monday when I had a little graduation get together with family. It was nice having everyone together, and I normally don't like being the centre of attention but it was nice on this occasion. This was followed by a great week spent back in the wonderful city of Crewe with the one I love. The reunion had definitely been a long time coming and was way overdue. Nothing had really changed in the weeks we had been apart. It was nice spending time together again and just writing this is making me think to random moments throughout the week and making me miss her. The next time we meet will probably be under slightly different circumstances and will hopefully get to see all my other associates I gathered in Crewe :) On a side note, during the week I picked up this little gem which I'm very chuffed with...
The week leading up to this has been a great one. It all started on Monday when I had a little graduation get together with family. It was nice having everyone together, and I normally don't like being the centre of attention but it was nice on this occasion. This was followed by a great week spent back in the wonderful city of Crewe with the one I love. The reunion had definitely been a long time coming and was way overdue. Nothing had really changed in the weeks we had been apart. It was nice spending time together again and just writing this is making me think to random moments throughout the week and making me miss her. The next time we meet will probably be under slightly different circumstances and will hopefully get to see all my other associates I gathered in Crewe :) On a side note, during the week I picked up this little gem which I'm very chuffed with...
Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...
"That's the problem with an empty sky, I fill it up with everything that's missing from my life"
x
Friday, 22 July 2011
DYASY
Every time I click 'New Post' it scares me. It's so blank and empty. Daunting. I don't like starting things. Don't think tonight will be a long one, but have been meaning to write on here for a few days but just never quite found the time. Seeing as I'm currently fully fueled on coke and Maryland, I thought I'd give it a crack.
Recently everything is been going good. It's hard to explain. Like my life has just sort of all fell in to place. I belong. I'm more comfortable in myself and those around me. I'm moving onto a new chapter of my life and I'm excited by it. I welcome it, whereas in the past I was afraid of change. I guess everyone says this, but I feel right now I have a really good bunch of friends from Uni. They are cool people, and even though our relationships are now virtually all technology based, it makes me happy. On the other hand, I have a growing number of friends here, who I now regularly enjoy the company of. This has not always been the case. There are still days where I want to crawl under my duvet and disappear from the world, to just be alone, but these days are becoming increasingly rare. I have the odd day to myself, just to keep me sane.
The last time I had one of these days to myself, just happened to be the day I should have been with all my peers. I didn't go to my graduation. There are numerous valid reasons I recite to people who ask me why, but the truth is I should have been there. I know I would have probably not enjoyed the day anyway, but I feel like it'll be something I look back on with a hint of regret. But what's done is done, and now to move on.
Moving on to this coming week, which has been long in the making and plenty overdue. I'm going back to my adopted hometown of Crewe on Tuesday for the week, to see an old acquaintance. To be honest, there were plenty of nights I went to bed worrying about everything surrounding the event, that I was more tense and stressed rather than looking forward to it. But like the way of life, things usually have a way of working themselves out and falling into place. Leaving me to concentrate on being excited.
Thought/Quote/Lyric of the day...
"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength".
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'".
"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened".
x
Recently everything is been going good. It's hard to explain. Like my life has just sort of all fell in to place. I belong. I'm more comfortable in myself and those around me. I'm moving onto a new chapter of my life and I'm excited by it. I welcome it, whereas in the past I was afraid of change. I guess everyone says this, but I feel right now I have a really good bunch of friends from Uni. They are cool people, and even though our relationships are now virtually all technology based, it makes me happy. On the other hand, I have a growing number of friends here, who I now regularly enjoy the company of. This has not always been the case. There are still days where I want to crawl under my duvet and disappear from the world, to just be alone, but these days are becoming increasingly rare. I have the odd day to myself, just to keep me sane.
The last time I had one of these days to myself, just happened to be the day I should have been with all my peers. I didn't go to my graduation. There are numerous valid reasons I recite to people who ask me why, but the truth is I should have been there. I know I would have probably not enjoyed the day anyway, but I feel like it'll be something I look back on with a hint of regret. But what's done is done, and now to move on.
Moving on to this coming week, which has been long in the making and plenty overdue. I'm going back to my adopted hometown of Crewe on Tuesday for the week, to see an old acquaintance. To be honest, there were plenty of nights I went to bed worrying about everything surrounding the event, that I was more tense and stressed rather than looking forward to it. But like the way of life, things usually have a way of working themselves out and falling into place. Leaving me to concentrate on being excited.
Thought/Quote/Lyric of the day...
"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength".
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'".
"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened".
x
Thursday, 14 July 2011
I'm Only Here For This Moment (Your Flame In Me)
Well I did say on my last post that I would gradually fill you in on what you've missed out on during my hiatus. And today just seems a very fitting day.
It was exactly nine months ago to this day, that my life radically changed. 14th October 2010, is the day I met a girl who would go on to become the love of my life. It was a boxing social she wasn't planning on coming to. As I walked into the room and headed towards my seat, I first saw her sitting a few seats further down from me. It was hard to keep my eyes off her after that (as I've been told since). During an interval, I saw her alone at the bar and finally summoned up the courage to go and introduce myself. First step complete, and I'm still alive. I remember her saying she knew who I was and had seen me around. The night moved on into the club. A group of us danced together, but I couldn't help but be self conscience around her, safe to say no train dance in sight. She egged me on to dance a couple of times. We talked some more. A confusion left us to leave without saying bye. Gutted, it was nice while it lasted, but it's all over now. Got home and she had left me a message. Nothings ever quite been the same since.
What followed were some of the best moments of my ordinary life. I don't have the best memory, but there are some things that I definitely won't forget. I might not be able to tell you what I did earlier this week, but I can clearly recall every detail about the first time we properly met up - now known as the infamous library date. I remember playing her Jeff Buckley for the first time hoping she would like it; shivering whilst sitting on the scaffolding outside her room window with only a small blanket around us; walking together in the dead of night with no aim or destination, missing her like crazy over the breaks and talking every day; seeing her on nights out, before and after we become what we are now and just thinking wow. There are so many occasions to speak of, and lovely days and weeks out that we had, but my fondest memories of are of all the little things; like the way her laughter sounded, or the weird stretchy noises she made in the mornings, or her very random facial expressions, or the way she would just spontaneously do something out of the blue to make me smile.
They say the people you meet and the relationships you have, shape and form you as a person. There has never been more evidence of that than the case in hand. Yes, I have a bunch of very close friends that I know will be there for the rest of my life, and know they would do anything for me at the drop of a hat, just like I would do for them, but the bond I share with her is different, it can not be compared or matched. For example, I love spending time with my friends, and on the few occasions that we would all go out, I would really enjoy myself and be happy. But that feeling only lasted when I was with them, the moment I got back in my room, it would all go back to being sombre. I used to hate myself and the world, was bored and angry, and really had no passion for living. Now I'm not going to deny that there isn't still some of that element in me, but her love and faith in me, has elevated me to new heights like no one else has before. She has brightened up my outlook on life, and this last year for the first time, I've been genuinely content and happy. It sort of reminds me of this Jeff Buckley quote, "our suffering is peeling off and revealing a brand new skin, a new power. Love heals all wounds and not just time alone".
I could talk about her forever, and how much she means to me, and what she's done for me. I had accepted being by myself, I never thought I would ever be with anyone, let alone someone as beautiful, funny, intelligent, sweet and caring as her. I crave for her every morning and night, I yearn for the pleasure of her company, I miss my best friend.
The truth is, I knew after the first few times of meeting her, that I was falling for her, and she was going to be the girl that I loved. Along with posting on here, I used to write little poemy things, and the last one I wrote was one month after we first met. I never talked about it or showed it to anyone because writing like that about someone one month in, I thought was kind of weird. But what the hell. She doesn't know about this either, so I thought this would be a good a time as any to show it her....
Let your sweet embrace squeeze all life out of me
Let your blood red lips tease me to surrender
Let no words ruin the beauty of the silence
Let the feeling blanket us eternally in this moment
In your voice I hear the innocence and laughter
In your shimmering eyes I see the future of stars
In full mercy of your sweet compassion and care
In my heavy eyes and woozy heart is where you live
Now I am starting to trust in a higher power
Now the songs on the radio start making sense
Now everything flows without logic or rationale
Now my stumbling words no longer need meaning
Always believed I would spend my days alone
Always be there for you like you would for me
Always want it to be me and you forever
Always in a dream where the two of us are together.
Happy nine month anniversary, my love :) <3 x
It was exactly nine months ago to this day, that my life radically changed. 14th October 2010, is the day I met a girl who would go on to become the love of my life. It was a boxing social she wasn't planning on coming to. As I walked into the room and headed towards my seat, I first saw her sitting a few seats further down from me. It was hard to keep my eyes off her after that (as I've been told since). During an interval, I saw her alone at the bar and finally summoned up the courage to go and introduce myself. First step complete, and I'm still alive. I remember her saying she knew who I was and had seen me around. The night moved on into the club. A group of us danced together, but I couldn't help but be self conscience around her, safe to say no train dance in sight. She egged me on to dance a couple of times. We talked some more. A confusion left us to leave without saying bye. Gutted, it was nice while it lasted, but it's all over now. Got home and she had left me a message. Nothings ever quite been the same since.
What followed were some of the best moments of my ordinary life. I don't have the best memory, but there are some things that I definitely won't forget. I might not be able to tell you what I did earlier this week, but I can clearly recall every detail about the first time we properly met up - now known as the infamous library date. I remember playing her Jeff Buckley for the first time hoping she would like it; shivering whilst sitting on the scaffolding outside her room window with only a small blanket around us; walking together in the dead of night with no aim or destination, missing her like crazy over the breaks and talking every day; seeing her on nights out, before and after we become what we are now and just thinking wow. There are so many occasions to speak of, and lovely days and weeks out that we had, but my fondest memories of are of all the little things; like the way her laughter sounded, or the weird stretchy noises she made in the mornings, or her very random facial expressions, or the way she would just spontaneously do something out of the blue to make me smile.
They say the people you meet and the relationships you have, shape and form you as a person. There has never been more evidence of that than the case in hand. Yes, I have a bunch of very close friends that I know will be there for the rest of my life, and know they would do anything for me at the drop of a hat, just like I would do for them, but the bond I share with her is different, it can not be compared or matched. For example, I love spending time with my friends, and on the few occasions that we would all go out, I would really enjoy myself and be happy. But that feeling only lasted when I was with them, the moment I got back in my room, it would all go back to being sombre. I used to hate myself and the world, was bored and angry, and really had no passion for living. Now I'm not going to deny that there isn't still some of that element in me, but her love and faith in me, has elevated me to new heights like no one else has before. She has brightened up my outlook on life, and this last year for the first time, I've been genuinely content and happy. It sort of reminds me of this Jeff Buckley quote, "our suffering is peeling off and revealing a brand new skin, a new power. Love heals all wounds and not just time alone".
I could talk about her forever, and how much she means to me, and what she's done for me. I had accepted being by myself, I never thought I would ever be with anyone, let alone someone as beautiful, funny, intelligent, sweet and caring as her. I crave for her every morning and night, I yearn for the pleasure of her company, I miss my best friend.
The truth is, I knew after the first few times of meeting her, that I was falling for her, and she was going to be the girl that I loved. Along with posting on here, I used to write little poemy things, and the last one I wrote was one month after we first met. I never talked about it or showed it to anyone because writing like that about someone one month in, I thought was kind of weird. But what the hell. She doesn't know about this either, so I thought this would be a good a time as any to show it her....
Let your sweet embrace squeeze all life out of me
Let your blood red lips tease me to surrender
Let no words ruin the beauty of the silence
Let the feeling blanket us eternally in this moment
In your voice I hear the innocence and laughter
In your shimmering eyes I see the future of stars
In full mercy of your sweet compassion and care
In my heavy eyes and woozy heart is where you live
Now I am starting to trust in a higher power
Now the songs on the radio start making sense
Now everything flows without logic or rationale
Now my stumbling words no longer need meaning
Always believed I would spend my days alone
Always be there for you like you would for me
Always want it to be me and you forever
Always in a dream where the two of us are together.
Happy nine month anniversary, my love :) <3 x Monday, 11 July 2011
Ring Of Fire
Ahhhhhh it's been a while, seems like this bad boy could do with a little updating. Cheeses Christ, where to start?! It's like starting a whole new blog again, just a summer forwarded.
Well I don't think anything really interesting, exciting, or worth mentioning has happened over the last eight months or so ;) haha. Last year when I created this online journal for my random thoughts and aimless rants, it was mainly down to being a sad, lonely prick with nothing better to do. So the fact that this blog has not really been updated or added to in quite a while, is a good thing. Means I've got a life. (Had a life). The last year has been the best of my life and I wouldn't change it for the world.
I've got nothing in particular I want to talk about, just letting out some hot air (as per). Ten minutes ago I was laying in bed, with the laptop shut down and the lights switched off, attempting to sleep. But the more I tossed and turned, the more awake I became. Maybe my body clock has adjusted to the recent late nights I've been having and just not allowing me to fall asleep any time before then. Whatever the reason may be, I thought it would be a good idea to come and speak to you.
Maybe over time, if I continue to write on here, I'll talk more about my absence and try to fill in any gaps. That will all come more naturally I guess, rather than me sitting here trying to articulate something I still can't fully comprehend. All I can say for now is that, although certain circumstances and situations may not be ideal, I'm at a good place in myself.
Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...
"I find it very, very easy to be true
I find myself alone when each day is through
Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you
Because you're mine, I walk the line
As sure as night is dark and day is light
I keep you on mind both day and night
And happiness I've known proves that it's right
Because you're mine, I walk the line
You've got a way to keep me on your side
You give me cause for a love that I can't hide
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide
Because you're mine, I walk the line"
x
Well I don't think anything really interesting, exciting, or worth mentioning has happened over the last eight months or so ;) haha. Last year when I created this online journal for my random thoughts and aimless rants, it was mainly down to being a sad, lonely prick with nothing better to do. So the fact that this blog has not really been updated or added to in quite a while, is a good thing. Means I've got a life. (Had a life). The last year has been the best of my life and I wouldn't change it for the world.
I've got nothing in particular I want to talk about, just letting out some hot air (as per). Ten minutes ago I was laying in bed, with the laptop shut down and the lights switched off, attempting to sleep. But the more I tossed and turned, the more awake I became. Maybe my body clock has adjusted to the recent late nights I've been having and just not allowing me to fall asleep any time before then. Whatever the reason may be, I thought it would be a good idea to come and speak to you.
Maybe over time, if I continue to write on here, I'll talk more about my absence and try to fill in any gaps. That will all come more naturally I guess, rather than me sitting here trying to articulate something I still can't fully comprehend. All I can say for now is that, although certain circumstances and situations may not be ideal, I'm at a good place in myself.
Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...
"I find it very, very easy to be true
I find myself alone when each day is through
Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you
Because you're mine, I walk the line
As sure as night is dark and day is light
I keep you on mind both day and night
And happiness I've known proves that it's right
Because you're mine, I walk the line
You've got a way to keep me on your side
You give me cause for a love that I can't hide
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide
Because you're mine, I walk the line"
x
Thursday, 6 January 2011
Life was his sentence. Life is what he got back.
As it may have been slightly evident in post on Sunday, I was in a pretty weird mood. Not too happy with things. Not happy with myself. Wanted to be alone in the dark and listen to depressing music. Not up for dealing with people and life. So I started to post, delete, and edit everything. Killed myself with changes trying to make things better. I ended up deleting my Facebook, thought I'd remove it for a week and be away from the world. Plus it gave me some sort of goal to work towards during very long, drab, unproductive days. And this now looks different also.
However, Life came to my rescue. At the beginning of the holidays my sister recommended I watch 'The Good Wife'. So that's what I did casually over the first couple of weeks, getting up to date to the second series. It is OK, nothing special really. About some lawyer wife of a president person after he cheats on her.
Once that was done, I went back to my sister, she recommended 'Life'. So I started watching it Sunday night/Monday morning and finished it today. 32 episodes in 4 days, you do the maths! I really like it. It stars Damien Lewis as a detective who was falsely imprisoned for 12 years, for the murder of his friends. The story picks up once new DNA has proved he is innocent and he returns to the LAPD with a settlement of 50 million dollars +. Whilst in prison he gained a new philosophy on life, Zen (teachings of the Buddha). The series involves him working on cases while figuring out the bigger conspiracy of who killed his friends and framed him. A nice balance between the violence of revenge and the peace of Zen. He also like fruit... alot! The only bad thing about it is, it's only 2 seasons long, it was not renewed for a third :( Stupid NBC board people. Although, it finishes nicely rounded off.
Anyway, this show has brightened up my dull view on life over the past few days. I like the idea of Zen... (you'll see what I mean in the quotes section). Plus, all the other shows should be returning this week. So I'm back alive in the world again and been talking to people about Uni, which has got me really excited about it. We're all going Liquid on Monday for Andi's birthday, and I just found out a certain someone else is going to be there also, so it should be awesome really. Hopefully one last thing with the boys here, then the game on Sunday, then back to Uni. Bish Bash Bosh.
Thoughts/Quotes/Lyrics of the Day...
"What we learnt as children, that one plus one equals two, we know to be false. One plus one equals one. We even have a word for when you plus one equals one, that word is love."
"We are none of us alone. Even as we exhale, it is inhaled by others. The light that shines upon me, shines upon my neighbor as well. In this way, everything is connected to everything else. In this way, I am connected to my friend as I am connected to my enemy. In this way, there is no difference between me and my friend. In this way, there is no difference between my and my enemy. We are none of us alone."
x
However, Life came to my rescue. At the beginning of the holidays my sister recommended I watch 'The Good Wife'. So that's what I did casually over the first couple of weeks, getting up to date to the second series. It is OK, nothing special really. About some lawyer wife of a president person after he cheats on her.
Once that was done, I went back to my sister, she recommended 'Life'. So I started watching it Sunday night/Monday morning and finished it today. 32 episodes in 4 days, you do the maths! I really like it. It stars Damien Lewis as a detective who was falsely imprisoned for 12 years, for the murder of his friends. The story picks up once new DNA has proved he is innocent and he returns to the LAPD with a settlement of 50 million dollars +. Whilst in prison he gained a new philosophy on life, Zen (teachings of the Buddha). The series involves him working on cases while figuring out the bigger conspiracy of who killed his friends and framed him. A nice balance between the violence of revenge and the peace of Zen. He also like fruit... alot! The only bad thing about it is, it's only 2 seasons long, it was not renewed for a third :( Stupid NBC board people. Although, it finishes nicely rounded off.
Anyway, this show has brightened up my dull view on life over the past few days. I like the idea of Zen... (you'll see what I mean in the quotes section). Plus, all the other shows should be returning this week. So I'm back alive in the world again and been talking to people about Uni, which has got me really excited about it. We're all going Liquid on Monday for Andi's birthday, and I just found out a certain someone else is going to be there also, so it should be awesome really. Hopefully one last thing with the boys here, then the game on Sunday, then back to Uni. Bish Bash Bosh.
Thoughts/Quotes/Lyrics of the Day...
"What we learnt as children, that one plus one equals two, we know to be false. One plus one equals one. We even have a word for when you plus one equals one, that word is love."
"We are none of us alone. Even as we exhale, it is inhaled by others. The light that shines upon me, shines upon my neighbor as well. In this way, everything is connected to everything else. In this way, I am connected to my friend as I am connected to my enemy. In this way, there is no difference between me and my friend. In this way, there is no difference between my and my enemy. We are none of us alone."
x
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