People don't realize this, but loneliness is underrated.

Ahh hello blog world. I don't know why I'm here or what I'm doing, but what the heck. The last couple of days have been pretty shitty. Nothing major like, just crappy with not much happening. I was looking forward to monday but then that ended up not materialising and turning out to be a bit of a let down. Maybe better luck on friday, I hope. Also not been sleeping properly recently, so have just ended up spending the days walking aroung like a grumpy zombie.

Tuesday was particularly messed up. I had Diss work to do but couldn't because I needed a book from uni, my back gave out, my take away was shit, United were awful, texts were awkward, and just when I thought I'd put the day behind me and cheer myself up with Castle and House, I found out that both were not on this week, with House on a break till January. But then she did call to try and cheer me up which was nice, even though I was being a prick. Although, I've not seen her, I've actually ended up speaking to her everyday for nearly two weeks now, in one format or the other.

Spent most of today just doing work and being rubbish, but then I just got in bed and watched 500 Days Of Summer, which cheered me up quite a bit. It's been ages since I've just layed in bed and watched a movie, this years been so hectic, don't remember the last time I did. But it was nice just being in the dark, alone in my room, chilling out to a good movie. Defo need to start doing that again. Plus, I'm on three cans of Coke for the night, bordering on a fourth, which is not bad going. So all good.

Tomorrow looks like another day filled with work, then Steam. Cool. Peace. X

I Need A Doctor

I've been meaning for a while now to write a proper post, but have just not found the time, motivation, or the need to write. Maybe because this year has been actually very good, I have nothing to rant about. Maybe I couldn't be truly honest on here anymore so didn't see the point of speaking in tongue. Maybe I'm just, and always will be, a very lazy mo fo. Who knows? What we do know is that the new me, is back to the old me. Whoever that is.

Ok, let's get down to business... the last month or so has been totally whirlwind crazy. I found someone nearly as weird as me. So much has happened but resulted in very little I can actually hold on to, apart from the mass of doubting questions, of course. All was going swimmingly, birds were chirping, flowers were blossoming (yeah I know it's winter, just go with it), and I think I was starting to smile more than usual, which my friends didn't hesitate to pick up on and mock me with. Until last week, when she dropped a bit of a bombshell. Ever since, I've been pretty unsure with the whole situation and don't really know what to do next, or how this will all play out. One minute, she's telling me how much she misses me and wants me to come over, and then the next, about how she could now not go out with a muslim guy after what happened, and how happy she is being single. So where the fuck do I stand?!

The thing is, in my own heart I've never really believed she liked me or anything would ever happen, I was just happy go along, happy she was spending time with me. It's only everyone else I've talked to has told me that she likes me, which gave me some sort of foolish belief that I had a chance. I expected nothing and would have been happy with nothing, but soon as about five/six people start telling you that she's clearly into you, it all of a sudden becomes slightly annoying when it all inevitably falls down. The thing is though, I'm not really down as I thought I'd be or whatever, I'm still pretty upbeat, I'm more kind of depressed about not being depressed. It's that weird feeling of not knowing what to feel.

Saying all this, while I've been blogging she has text me saying, she is now coming to Steam, after earlier telling me she wasn't out. So you never know. Also, I have something in mind for tomorrow, which she'll hopefully go along with. But now I need to find something to wear.... Eeeeek!

In other less interesting news for you guys, but life to me, about six new Eminem songs have been leaked over the last couple of weeks. This as you can imagine is my saving grace.

Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...

"Grace is what matters. In anything. Especially life, especially growth, tragedy, love, pain, death. About people, that's what matters. That's a quality I admire very greatly. It keeps you from reaching for the gun too quickly; it keeps you from destroying things too foolishly; it sort of keeps you alive and keeps you open for more understanding".

x

wafils

Ahhhhhh... today's been another really good day! :) I can't remember the last time I had two happy blog posts in a row! Spent the day with that someone, which wasn't nearly as scary as I thought it was going to be, it was just really cool. Then saw them again at boxing and texting them now as we speak aswell. So rosey :) xxx

14/10/10

There have not been many nights where I have gone to sleep with a smile on my face, yesterday was one of these nights. Exciting times! :) xx

Haligh, Haligh, A Lie, Haligh

She has been so patient with me, even though I've pushed her aside. Hours, days, or weeks; she's always there no matter how long it's been since our last date. She listens to everything I have to say without judgement, I don't have to be the best or most beautiful, I'm allowed to be myself. Ahh I love my blog.

It has been a mad first week back at University, lot's of good little things, one big bad thing. The house is OK for student living really, it's got walls and a roof, can't really complain, it is what you make it. I've already had to break into it once! We're waiting for the Internet to get installed so for the time being we're using pre-payed dongles, which are pretty shit; they take loads of memory to watch TV shows and you can't get Facebook chat on them, proper gay like. I've also lost my phone charger, so have been without the services of my phone for the majority of the week. However, today we did get Sky TV sorted, which is always good. I went out all three nights last week, Liquid, Norma's, and Steam, each one being better than the previous night. Steam I was dressed in a pink tutu and leg warmers, but no pictures were taken, so think I dodged a bullet on that one.

I have ended up having an awesome timetable this year for once, I only have to be in on Thursdays and Fridays. The slight down side to this is that I might not get to see everyone as much as I would like, but I'm sure we'll make it work. The one thing I'm really excited about this year is the boxing club. Last year I was just kind of Andi's friend that came along, whereas, this year already I'm one of the group which is cool. I helped out on fresher fair and something like a 150 signed up for boxing (including the most beautiful girl I think I've seen in my life), and 50 odd people turned up today for the first session. It's nice seeing new faces and meeting new people while still being in the comfortable surrounding of your friends. I've also bought that denim jacket that I've wanted for ages and now I never want to take it off.

The one major setback is that not even a week in and Mike has left the house and university for good. It sucks that he's gone but what makes it worse is the way he left, just disappearing off the face of the planet with no one knowing what's going on. I think I've turned cold hearted, it's not bothered me as much as I thought it would have. I always think, one day I'm going to wake up and all these friends I have and people that like me, has all a dream and I'll go back to being alone again. Once you happily accept that, nothing can really disappoint you.

Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...

But now we speak with ruined tongues
And the words we say aren't meant for anyone
It's just a mumbled sentence to
A passing acquaintance.
But there was once you,
You said you hate my suffering, and you understood,
And you'd take care of me.
You'd always be there.
Well, where are you now?

And I sing and sing of awful things
The pleasure that my sadness brings
As my fingers press onto the strings,
Yet another clumsy chord.

But I talk in the mirror
To the stranger that appears
Our conversations are circles
Always one sided, nothing is clear.
Except we keep coming back
To this meaning that I lack.
He says the choices were given
And now, you must live them
Or just not live,
But do you want that?

x

It's Cool, We Can Still Be Friends

So I've kinda realised, I need to be obsessed with something, anything, to be happy. It's like the only time I feel genuinely happy, nothing else can bother me because I have 'whatever' to go back to. I think I've known this about myself for a while now, I clearly feel a different person once I'm in one of these phases, what I'm maybe learning is how shit life seems when I'm not. These so called phases of obsession can be over anything I like, and vary in how long they last. The first one I properly remember was Proof, just after he died, which lasted a good half a year of college. The most recent of these periods, was the Brand New thing I had, which is now over but lasted a good month and a bit. Other notable phases have involved, Eminem, Jeff Buckley, Bob Dylan, House, and Dexter, as well as smaller contributions by other cool people. Music and TV seems to be a favourite, just because it's the most accessible, I can always stick on the iPod or watch a interview or clip on the Internet.

The last couple of weeks have been pretty drab and bland. I constantly skip songs on my iPod, not knowing myself what I want to listen to, I don't know what mood I'm in. Same goes with movies I try to pick and watch. The closest thing to this love I've been feeling recently is Mickey Rourke. I always have time for this man, and after another show stealing hyped-up cameo he had in The Expendables, it's been all about him the last couple of days. I don't think there's anything left on the Internet that involves him, that I've not seen! He turned 58 yesterday and he is my hero, I could spend my whole life listening to him talk, love that kid.

I was bored earlier, just maxin' on Facebook and somehow ended up on 'my notes', which are a just a bunch of these daft questionnaire things that I used to love doing. They're all a couple of years old, but made me smile reading them back. So seeing as I have nothing new and interesting to say, I thought I'd post old stuff, it's funny to see where my head was at! :)


125 Questions (18 May, 2009)

1) Are you really ready for 125 questions? Why not
2) Was your last real relationship a mistake? Probably...who knows, who cares
3) Do you believe in God? Faith is a gift I have yet to recieve
4) Who last said "I love you" to you? And really meant it, I don't know.
5) Do you think they regret it? Maybe.. I do
6) Have you ever been depressed? Haha me?? Don't be silly!!
7) Have a best friend? I have three, aren't I lucky
8) Are you a boy or a girl? A MAN, apparently
9) Relationship status? Perpetual loneliness, fatigue, resignation
10) How do you want to die? Suicide but that's not going to happen unfortunately. Maybe getting hit by a car driven by someone you love, that might be cool.
11) What did you last eat? A mixed doner from Papa's with chilli sauce & ketchup and a Coke bottle :D
12) Play any sports? Not to any decent standard, no.
13) Do you bite your nails? Not really, but I do like to grow them sometimes to annoy my Mum.
14) When was your last physical fight? I don't really have physical fights, only slap Kashy a bit when I feel like it.
15) Do you have an attitude? Everyone has an attitude, stupid. Be it good or bad.
16) Do you like someone? I like everyone.
17) What is your real name? Bilalio
19) Are you gonna get high later? That'll take a lot of Coke
20) Do you hate anyone at the moment? I probably dislike some people, no point hating really.
21) Do you miss someone? More then I would have thought.
22) Twirl or cut your spaghetti? I'm a bit of a twirler
23) Do you tan a lot? Haha, not really.
24) Have any pets? I had two goldfish once, they died. And they were delicious.
25) How exactly are you feeling? Incomplete
26) Ever eaten food in a car while someone other than yourself is driving a car? Just today in fact.
27) Ever made out in the bathroom? Can't say I have
28) Would you take any of your exes back? N/A
29) Are you scared of spiders? Not really friends with them but not scared of them either.
30) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Depends on how I was feeling at the time.
31) Do you regret anything from your past? Yes, my past still haunts me.
32) What are your plans for this weekend? I'm not really a big planner, things either happen or don't.
33) Do you want to have kids? Yes 11, then I can create a football team.
34) Did you ever kiss someone whose name starts with a C, E or D? No but I did kiss a lad once called Ced.
35) Do you type fast? I could if I wanted to spell like Sidra, but I don't.
36) Do you have piercings? Only from where I stick pins in to myself.
37) Want any more? Why not, when I'm bored.
38) Can you spell well? Nto raelly. (How childish was that)
39) Do you miss anyone from your past? I'm sure you've asked me this before.
40) What are you craving right now? A MASSIVE SHIT!!
41) Ever been to a bonfire party? Once, when a few of us got together and set fire to a happy old couple.
43) Have you ever been on a horse? No, but I've been on a donkey I think. Horse, Donkey, Clocks, Water Melons, Chainsaws, they're all the same thing really.
44) Kissed someone in a car? No.
45) Have you ever broken someone's heart? Hopefully.
46) Have you ever been cheated on? Yeah by Sue Jepson (What do you mean sour grapes!)
47) Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? Fuck off with these boyfriend/girlfriend questions will ya?!
49) Would you live with someone without marrying them? I live with 8 and only intend on marrying one :D Come here Windy
50) What should you be doing? I should be doing what ever the fuck I want to be doing. Who the Fuck are you?
51) What's irritating you right now? Having to do these question again that I did earlier but deleted by accident!
52) Have you ever liked someone? I like shitty questions but that ones even disappointed me.
53) Does somebody love you? Maybe, who knows.. Probably not.
54) What is your favorite color? Red, Orange and Yellow. Nice firey colours. My room was once those colours. I miss it.
55) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle? Fuck vehicle, I just don't change clothes.
57) Do you have trust issues? Yes, I'm too naive and trust everyone.
59) Have you ever shaved in the kitchen sink? :/
60) Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Yeah, we're alright I guess, they're parents.
62) Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you? Leave me alone!
63) Who was the last person you cried in front of? I don't cry infront of people. Only stray Cats.
64) Do you give out second chances too easily? Seconds, but then your pushing it!
65) Is it easier to forgive or forget? Definitely forgive, somethings I'll never forget, no matter how hard I try. So best to forgive and move on.
66) Is this year the best year of your life? How do I know, I haven't lived my life yet.
67) What was your childhood nickname? Never really had a nickname I don't think.
68) Have you ever walked outside completely naked? Haha no but I've (almost) finished Uni, United are Champions, and Relapse has now officially released, so I should really being dancing naked in the streets
69) Do you think you're a good person? No, I'm an evil person with evil thoughts, just like everyone else.
70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Things happen whether there's a reason or not.
71) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? Listened to music I guess.
73) What is bothering you? Too many little things. One big thing.
74) Have you ever been out of England? Yes.
75) Do you play the Wii? I played some silly baseball game once, ha.
76) Are you listening to music right now? I'm always listening to music, whether it's on or not.
77) Do you like Chinese food? My favourite. I also like chinese peoples hair.
78) Do you know your fathers birthday? I know it's in April, my sisters remind me when it's near.
79) Are you afraid of the dark? I love the dark, I prefer it.
81) Are you mean? I'm every little four year old's nightmare.
82) Can you keep white shoes clean? Never, I like them dirty.
83) Do you believe exes can be friends? Yes.
84) Do you believe in true love? I don't know. What's true love?
85) Are you proud of the person you've become? Hell no, I'm just barely a person.
88) Do you like the outside? Sometimes, when it's cold and rainy and I have my iPod.
89) Are you currently bored? I tend to get bored rather easily. But my head is slightly diseased so I can live with it most of the time. Maybe I need to spice things up; cut my hair, delete Facebook, break an arm, something.
90) Do you wanna get married? One day, maybe.
91) Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe? NO!
92) Are you hungry? Just eaten, but always room for sweets.
93) Do you have a bank account? HAHA, I used to until NatWest thought it'd be funny to fuck me about.
94) What makes you happy? Hassan, Mo, and Baker.
95) Would you change your name? I have, from now on I shall be known as Christopher Reeves.
96) Ever been to Alaska? No, I like cold but not that cold!
98) Do you watch the news? I watch 'Have I Got News For You', does that count?
99) What' s your sign? Taurus, and no it doesn't mean anything.
100) Do you like Subway? I don't like the people that work there.
101) Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? They have now died.
102) Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? I like them back.
103) Do you talk like your friends? Yes, it's funny, I have one language for back home and one for Uni. I think I'm in my Uni one now. I prefer my home one, it's easier. This act is hard to keep up.
105) Have you ever seen someone you knew & purposely avoided them? I try to avoid people all the time.
106) Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? Maybe, don't know, don't think so.
107) Who is the last guy you talked to? Umm probably Welsh or someone.
108) Do you think your ex still likes you? Fuck off with the ex, she's chillin in a forrest somewhere, leave her alone.
109) Would you kiss an ugly person for £1000? I'd kiss a Monkey just for fun.
109) What's your favourite old-person name? Jim
110) Are you a Hannah Montana fan? Who?
111) Who's the last person you had a deep conversation with? Myself.
113) Do you enjoy piercings & tattoos? I love tattoos, they facinate me.
114) What is the last thing you thought about? The pain in my neck.
114) What's the first thing that comes to mind beginning with T? Tea
115) You're a Sharpie marker, what color are you? Get a life.
116) Is it awkward when no ones talking? Yes, I think it's funny though.
117) Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning? Morning.
118) Who gave you the last high five? Welsh I think, when going out to play Tennis in the rain
119) Do you want to please everyone? Yes, which is impossible, so I'm forever a failure.
120) Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? I heard a new Em song that reminded me of Proof today.
121) Has someone ever made you a promise & broken it? Yes, not recently though I don't think
122) Are you alone? Yes, isn't it peaceful!
123) Do you have any older siblings? 2
124) How's your day going so far? It's either just ended or just starting depending on how you look at it.
125) How many months until your birthday? About 11, what a shit question to end it on! Who the fuck cares about birthdays??


My Life According To Jeff Buckley (18 August, 2009)

1. Are you a male or female: Dream Brother
2. Describe yourself: Murder Suicide Meteor Slave
3. How do you feel: Please Send Me Someone To Love
4. Describe where you currently live: Lost Highway
5. If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Strawberry Street
6. Your favorite form of transportation: Night Flight
7. Your best friend is: The Man That Got Away
8. Your favorite color is: Lilac Wine
9. What's the weather like: Nightmares By The Sea
10. Favorite time of day: Morning Theft
11. If your life was a TV show, what would it be called: Grace
12. What is life to you: Opened Once
13. Your relationship: I Want Someone Badly
14. Your fear: If You Knew
15. What is the best advice you have to give: Forget Her
16. If you could change your name, what would it be: Nusrat, He's My Elvis
17. Thought for the Day: Lover, You Should've Come Over
18. How I would like to die: Eternal Life
19. My soul's present condition: I Know It's Over
20. My motto: All Flowers In Time (Bend Towards The Sun)

Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...
Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music.

x

Let's Have A Toast For The Douchebags

Recently, I've not really been up to much or had anything relevant to say, and the blog has suffered the consequences. I sit here now feeling unmotivated and uninspired. The days have just sort of drifted away, with nothing of worth noting down. Not even listening to anything in paticular.

What has happened in the last week or so since you heard from me, is that I've now stopped fasting, which is a welcome relief. It was a long month, and to be honest I don't think I changed anything I wanted or became a better person; I still complain too much, still don't appreciate what I have, still have no patience and get into arguments and generally annoy people. Friday was Eid, which was ok, nothing special really. Although, I did end up getting £30 out of it. I didn't get the jacket that I wanted so I just tramped it out, but it's alright because I'm a tramp idol. It also happened to be Maria's birthday.

Thankfully, it's moved on now, but for the last few days the local fair came to the park outside my house. It just meant lots of people, noise and colours, all just makes me a little bit nautious. However, I did end up going along with my sister and uncle on the last night just before it closed, we were like the only people on the Energizer and Dodgems.

I've added a new tv show to my like list, called Rizzoli & Isles. It centres around the two main female characters, Jane Rizzoli a detective and Maura Isles a medical examiner, who work together to solve homicide cases. It's a new show and only one season old, which I finished watching today, it's a pretty intense drama. I had intended to spend this summer watching hyped up main stream shows, but after a slow start I've ended up becoming a fan of two new small American tv series that no one I know will have heard of, White Collar and Rizzoli and Isles, such a lonely life.

So summer's sort of coming to a close, this time next week, I will be in my new house in Crewe, living the Uni life. It's been a pretty mixed bag really, peaked early and then steadily declining ever since. It started with the release of Recovery, which turned me into beaming retard with a smile ear to ear. That was followed by the start of the World Cup, which in turn was followed by the highlight of the summer, the trip to Egypt. It's funny 'cause I remember saying something similar in the post just before I left for Egypt, but it feels like everything in life is a double edged sword, everything good has a consequence. For example, the trip to Egypt which was easily the best part of the summer, led me to the worst thing about my summer, having absolutely no money for the remainder of my time here. It's a delicate balance, in retrospect would I have done the same thing, who knows.

Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...
The death of a blog? Don't be surprised if you don't hear from me in a while.

x

Sketches For My Sweetheart The Drunk

So I've decided I'm not very fussy, I'd marry any one of them...

Yvonne Strahovski

Olivia Wilde

Stana Katic

Beth Riesgraf

Amanda Righetti

Thoughts/Quotes/Lyrics of the Day...

Twenty-nine pearls in your kiss, a singing smile,

Coffee smell and lilac skin, your flame in me,

I'm only here for this moment.

I know everybody here wants you,

I know everybody here thinks he needs you.

x

The Collection - Part 3

I thought I'd post a few more treats for you. They were written somewhere in between a three year period, so reflect whatever I was feeling at the time and vary in content accordingly. I don't actually like posting stuff such as this, just because I don't really feel comfortable talking about it, as contradictory as that sounds. So enjoy it, make of them what you will, but please leave out the awkward questioning.

----------------------------------

Grace

You linger in my thoughts and in my sleep
When I drink and when I eat
In my nightmares and in my dreams
Every time I talk, every time I breathe

I’m so close and yet so far
Are we together or are we apart?
Are we a part of something bigger then this?
Bigger then this ‘love’ that’s only seen through the mist

Do you realise how hard it is
Walking up these lonely stairs,
Knowing that when you reach the top
There’s going to be no-one there that cares?

Friends is maybe all we’re supposed to be
The truth is, you’ll never be close to me
I feel you should have made the most of me
Regret it when the world decides to dispose of me

But the game has been settled, I’ve heard the score
The rejections have hurt I can’t take many more
I have lost, I have lost and furthermore,
I don’t want to wake up on my own anymore

-----------------------------------

The Only Way To Cross The River Of Fire Is By Drowning

Your heart has fallen for a love
It’s going to have to forget
Come into the midst of love
And look from where you first met

Even if you were blessed with beauty
Your insecurities are too great
They will hunt you down and make you fail
To find your eternal mate

This intoxication is your beauty’s fault
Your love is my entire life
You already knew it was over
So why go through the strife?

She’s moved on and is perfectly happy
And now you must do the same
So my smile continues to deceive the world
But that doesn’t heal the pain…

-----------------------------------

Second Best

If only you could see the irony in your words
You would not say what you do

We spend hours talking and laughing
Endless days comforting you when he’s away
But soon as he is back
You forget I ever existed

I take solace in the fact I’ve been here before
Waiting for him to leave again
And for you to come back to me
Love me out of desire, not consolation

The love that last longest is the one that is unreturned
It’s not the despair that kills you, it’s the hope.

------------------------------------

A Pure Drop In An Ocean Of Noise

Can’t wait ‘till I’m gone, can rest in peace
Live forever without the stress and grief
Can’t push my feelings aside, I’ve died inside
No point trying to swim against the rising tide

The constant pressure, I’m under siege
Everyone waiting for me to under achieve
As the days go on, people come and go
Too many times, saying goodbye before hello

I feel defeated, beaten and filled with sin
Only person in the race and still won’t win
I feel ugly, bored, tired and sick
I want to stop breathing, I’m dying to quit.

-----------------------------------

Vodka & Vicodin

So I continue to hurt myself
It’s no more then I deserve
I go back to my oldest friend
The drink, I could never swerve

I lost everyone that ever loved me
Chased away anyone that cared
I go back to the only thing I have,
The ugly drug to which I’m snared

I’m sick of following my dreams
Tired of reaching out for greater
I’ll ask them where they’re going
And catch up with them later

Some days I see a pool of blood
And imagine myself lying in it.
But I know, living in misery sucks
Marginally less then dying in it

-----------------------------------

I Know Enough To Know I Don’t Know Much

We talk all night but I don’t hear your voice
I don’t feel you near me, it’s not my choice
I don’t get to see you smiling at what I said
We talk all night but sleep in different beds

Our love is unspoken in a broken heart
We’ve both lost the time to play the part
And if this were a movie, we’d find a way
Yet here in real life, I have no lines to say

I’m vile and depraved; I know where I stand
I can’t be saved, so please remove your hand
Push you away; hope you discover who you are
I don’t deserve you, I’d only bring you scars

-----------------------------------

Okay I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't

Now that Summer is pretty much done, we can all go back to looking good again. Yes it's nice to see beautiful people walking around not wearing much, but for I for one definitely look better the more covered I am. This being said the Autumn/Winter season is my favourite for clothes. The weather is decent enough so you can still enjoy being outdoors, whilst it still being cold enough to be able to wear layers without melting. Continuing slightly with the the theme of the last entry, I've been looking and found a few items that I would love to add to my wardrobe. It really has been a long time since I've bought something, and I feel a few new pieces would be a welcome addition for the year ahead...

Unsurprisingly, these items all happen to be from River Island, and the grand total of them, with the jacket from the last post included, comes to a tasty £236. I know what I'll be spending my loan on then. It would be a lot easier if I didn't have to buy a new laptop as well.

So as I alluded to in the post yesterday, I started watching a new show called White Collar. Maria came home over the weekend and was raving about it, so I've spent the last three days getting up to date with it, which is half way through its second season. It is about a charming, expert, highly intelligent, art forger and criminal. The whole show begins with him escaping jail and subsequently being caught by the same F.B.I agent for the second time. The reason behind his escape, with only months left on his sentence, is to find his girlfriend who he thinks is in trouble. Cafferty the criminal, manages to broker a deal with Burke the F.B.I agent, which involves him being released under the FBI's custody to help consult on other similar cases.

At the moment, I'm just going to say it's good but nothing special. I don't know if it's better than any of the others shows that I watch, however I'll keep watching it. Plus, it's given me something to pass the long days and late nights whilst staying up waiting for eating time.

It's finally September which means that House, Dexter, Chuck, and Castle all start again! All the seasons ended in really dramatic fashion, so the wait for new episodes have been exciting. I already know that for House and Dexter at least, the new season begins right where the last ones ended. Thought I'd post some links of the season endings, even if I'm the only one that'll watch them.

House and Cuddy finally got together after six seasons, now we get to see if they can actually work as a couple. Plus, House is meant to now be happy, which will be weird but intriguing. Very tense finale.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghM0nAHbZ-U&feature=related
Dexter's shocking final scene. This is the first time I'll be watching it since December, and finally in real time as I caught up with the first four seasons after they had aired. What will become of Dexter?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pd8907jjkU4&has_verified=1
Castle's finale ended up being one of the saddest episodes I have seen of any drama and what really elevated it in my opinion. Plus, there's an amazing song written just for this episode.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EMmbHYIkQHA&feature=related

Chuck ended with his father being killed and his mother who we thought was dead arriving on the scene. Couldn't find a decent clip. And while all these have been away, Leverage has kept me going and deserves a mention.

Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...
Do you believe you're missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else
But with nobody in your bed
The night is hard to get through
x

The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot

Yes, I have changed the look of my blog! Although I liked the old one, I became bored and wanted something different. I'm really into the whole black and white thing at the moment, it's beautiful, and my initial layout reflected this. Clean and simple, no clutter, no fuss. I had my heart set on it.

However, as much as I liked the look, others weren't as enthusiastic and I was persuaded to alter it again. I sold out. What you see before you is the result of that. I've also changed the name of the blog, 'Living Proof, That's What I'm Giving You' just never sat right with me. The new title is a Brand New reference and I feel it just fits better.

Seeing as I've been pretty broke over Summer, I've not really been out shopping or looking at clothes online, but I went on the Topman website and...

Absolutely love love love this jacket. I want it badly, will have to find some way to get it. There was also a cool shirt that I liked from River Island. I've started watching this new show called White Collar (which I'm sure I'll mention again some time), about a very intelligent criminal and it's starting to put devious ideas in my head! Plus, looking forward to seeing Abbie :)

.

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Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...

You are calm and reposed, let your beauty unfold.
Pale white skin stretched over your bones.
Spring keeps you ever close, you are second hand smoke.
You are so fragile and thin, standing trial for your sins.
Holding on to yourself the best you can.
You are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins.

x

Me vs. Maradona vs. Elvis

I'm stuck in limbo, too late to go to sleep and too long a wait to stay wake for. I come to my blog when my brain can't figure out what to do.

I've spent the last two and a half days watching seasons 8 and 9 of Scrubs. I almost forgot how much I loved it, because I tend to prefer serious drama's it sometimes gets overlooked. I think Ted is easily my favourite character, what a hero. Yes, the whole J.D. and Turk relationship is special, Elliot is super hot, Dr. Cox's rants are genius, and the Janitor is a legend, but there's something special about Ted. It's like I can relate to him the most, and he never fails to make me laugh when he's on screen. It's a shame really that the series didn't finish at season 8 like the creator wanted. Everything was rounded off perfectly. But the money men had to get involved and push for another series which was just not right and dragged the Scrubs name through the mud slightly. Only to get cancelled after the 13 episodes.

You just realise everything good comes to an end, and sometimes when you love something it's hard to realise when it's at its end. You hope it finishes at the right time, but no one knows when that is and the more involved you are, the more blurred the line becomes. The truth is, in life things normally end up going stale before coming to a close, like relationships. Do you really want the final memories being of misery? But I guess it wouldn't make much sense ending it when everything is going good. With music it's slightly easier I guess, but it still hurts just as much when Conor Oberst decides to pack up Bright Eyes to move on to different projects, and when Jesse Lacey talks about Daisy possibly being Brand New's final album. You have to just decide what you want, would you prefer another album that is not up to par and a let down to the fans, or for them to retire on the legacy of the four loved records they have? I'm undecided.

A couple of days ago, Dan started to speaking to me and opened up the conversation with "my wife was asking about you, she's not heard your name in a while". Haha what a cool dude, we only talked for a while, but it was the first time this whole summer and it was nice. He also threw in a quote from 'You Won't Know', my favourite Brand New song, what more can you ask for? It just got me thinking, from all the people at Uni, I think I admire him the most. He is one of the hardest workers and fits it all around his wife and baby. He used to cycle into University and stay in the library until close, go home, hardly get any sleep with a new born, and wake up and do the same thing all over again. But he never moaned or complained, he just got on with it and is genuinely a decent guy.

I was laying in bed and imagining me as a dad, and as much I would love it and want nothing more, I just don't see myself as a father. I was trying to picture it, but couldn't. I couldn't really picture myself as anything in the future. I just lay in the dark trying to come up with future scenario's but nothing fit or felt right. It bought me on to my own relationship with my parents. I have personality traits of both but have more things in common with my dad, who I can relate to more. As much as I love my mum, and would be lost without her, I can't remember the last meaningful conversation we had, we don't really talk, she speaks at me. The only real conversation I have now are online. Kashy has changed since I moved to Uni, I hardly know him, he spends all day in his room playing Call Of Duty. Rabia is just part of the really annoying teenage generation, with a Blackberry glued to her hand and writes in that awful text language. Sidra to be fair, has a good heart but good intentions alone are not enough, we are total opposites and everything she does just irks me. Maria, the only one I really had anything in common with and enjoyed the company of, has moved away to Chesterfield.

I was bored on Facebook the other day and seen something that reminded me of a friend I had from my Art class in college. I thought to myself "hmm.. I've not heard or seen from her in a while, lets see what she's been up to". Once I finally got on to her profile page, I realised she had deleted me as a friend! It was a weird feeling, even though we hadn't really spoken since we left college, during college I thought we were good friends. I started thinking of all the reasons why she would've deleted me. In my betrayed state, I remembered I was being very hypocritical and had done the same thing to others. A while back I deleted some people of my Facebook. One was just because she insulted Eminem, even though it was indirectly, she had to go. The others I was never really friends with or spoken to, they were just random people that had accumulated over time. When deleting them I really didn't think any of them would mind one bit, and they probably still don't, but now I feel rather bad.

Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...
Dr. Maddox: Hey, how come all you have in here is a smiley face button and a revolver?
Ted: Well, one's in case I get sad, and the other one's in case I get really sad.
Dr. Maddox: Ok.. well, see ya tomorrow
Ted: We'll see.

x

Failure By Design

Just seems like a while since I posted something, so I thought I would, although I don't know what I want to talk about. I apologize for the following.

Seeing as I'm listening to Brand New at the moment, seems like a good place to start. I've not listened to anyone else in almost two weeks now I think, who knows how long it'll continue. It burns away plenty of hours, which I'm quite grateful for. They just don't get old (irony intended).

This is why I'm here really, just to fill an hour or so before football starts. Don't even get me started on how awful my fantasy team did first week up! I'm kind of hungry already, which is not a good sign, the single glass of water in the morning is not looking like the best idea now. I'm craving for a Subways, and some doughnuts, have been so for the last couple of days but kept getting invited to different peoples houses to eat. Hopefully today though.

I think I'm doing good though, I've been a lot more patient I feel and do tend to appreciate things more and have not been complaining nearly as much as I did. Which, hopefully will continue. Saying that, I nearly slipped up yesterday, I think the tiredness and hunger is catching up to me. Also, this morning something happened that in the past would have got me annoyed and angry but now I can just shrug it off. Moreover, it doesn't help that I'm totally bored and frustrated at home now and really want to get away. I used to be able to play the recluse, but after seeing the other side, it's not as fun.

I was bored in the morning after waking up ridiculously early again, so started looking at some old pictures from my colleges days. Wow! Haha, them bad boys need to be buried, although, it was nice to reminisce about people who I've not seen or spoken to in like three years. There was one picture in particular that I really liked. I sometimes miss them days, but I'm alot happier now at University. I always felt like a bit of an outsider at college, like I didn't fit in any group, even though everyone was friendly enough. University, on the other hand, I have somehow managed to end up in the middle of some awesome people. And yes that includes Lorna, just because I know how much she loves this blog and gets upset when I don't mention her! Lol, plus she is pretty cool anyway to be honest :)

Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...
I'm sinking like a stone in the sea
I'm burning like a bridge for your body

x

Die Young And Save Yourself

So you know how I was going on about wanting to draw something, but waiting for the right subject matter, well today I found it. None other than the genius himself, Jesse Lacey from Brand New. It's from my favourite picture of him. Plus, I was bored and wanted to kill some time.

This is a first draft, I know there are some parts that are messed up. If it was important, I would go back and change them, but it's only for me so I don't really care. It actually didn't take as long as I had imagined. I have loads of plain paper, loads of pencil, and loads of time, I might do a few more. It's quite enjoyable when I'm drawing just for the sake of drawing.

In other creative news, I wrote my first poem in almost a month or so, and probably only the second one since I started this blog. The trouble is poems, drawings and le blog all take up the same slot, both in time and self expression, so it's normally one or the other. It's like when The X-Factor and Strictly Come Dancing are on at the same time and you try to watch both, you really just end up watching nothing. Well anyway, no surprise that I've slipped down the rankings (it's based on activity) but I do enjoy being on that site, there's some awesome people on there with who I've had an online relationship for over a year now. Even though, I'm quite pleased with the outcome I'm not going to be sharing it, well not at the moment anyway. Picture and poem in the same post, don't want to spoil you!

I don't know if it's the fasting, or the late nights, or the tiredness, but whatever it is, I'm having awesome dreams almost every night. It tends to be about the last thing I did before I went to sleep, whether that be something that I've seen, someone from a conversation, or the visual images in a song. Long may it continue. I have 58 Brand New songs in my ipod, I've had them on and off throughout the day and I've just finished listening to the lot, same again tomorrow! :)

Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...
"I can't shake this little feeling, I'll never get anything right"

x

Fight Off Your Demons

For the last week or so, I've been totally obsessed with Brand New, it's definitely my Jesse Lacey phase all over again. They are a pretty unique band though, the first thing I heard from them was their third album 'The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me', and liked them straight away. But only once you actually start digging deeper into the songs, you realise how truly special they are. Then I heard 'You Won't Know' off that album and it was all over from there, no going back. That song pretty much triggered my obsession the first time round and moved Brand New upwards in my rankings to just behind Eminem, Jeff Buckley and Proof. At the time, that album was complex enough for me not to need to go and look through their earlier stuff.

A while back I heard their new album 'Daisy' was going to be released, and I was dead excited for another album filled with TDAGARIM type material. I was wrong. It was crazy, loud, screaming, hardcore stuff that I had never heard and not what I knew of my beloved Brand New, I was a little disappointed. To make up for this bafflement, I thought I would go and listen to their earlier music for some sounds I recognise. I was wrong again. I listened to some songs off their first album and genuinely didn't believe it was them. It was some clean-shaven, high pitched, teenage, American high-school band. I left it there and thought well I guess one classic will just have to do me and thought no more of it.

The songs from the albums stayed in my iPod, and every once in a while one would sneak up and surprise me. I would not recognise it but like it, and then when I looked at who it was... yes, indeed. I soon realised I was expecting all their music to be the same and compared everything to TDAGARIM, which was unfair from the get go. That will probably go down in history as one of my favourite albums of all time and it would be pretty much impossible for them or any other band to replicate that feeling I have listening to it. There's one thing you need to understand about Brand New, like all good musicians they change, evolve, and experiment and all four of their albums have an unmistakably unique sound. I very quickly became to appreciate this about them.

Listening to 'You Won't Know' about a week ago restarted this whole cycle. I was looking for a status but there were so many great lines to chose from, I ended not having any. So I thought I'd do something special for you guys...


Cause I make little lies and then I pull them apart
Think something dark's living down in my heart
And if I wanted to die before I got old
I should've started some years ago digging that hole

I want to know what is the great divide
I want to know what I’ve become.
You think that no one else is lonesome,
You think that you’re the only one?

Well I wish that I was as good as you, caring and trusting
And I wish that my condition was new but I'm old and rusting

It’s hard to be the better man when you forget you’re trying
It’s hard to be the better man when you’re still lying

I'm a mountain that has been moved, I'm a river that is all dried up
I'm an ocean nothing floats on, I'm a sky that nothing wants to fly in
I'm a sun that doesn't burn hot, I'm a moon that never shows it face
I'm a mouth that doesn't smile, I'm a word that no one ever wants to say

Die young and save yourself

If looks could really kill then my profession would staring
Please know we do this cause we care, not for the thrill
Collect calls to home to tell them that I realize
that everyone who lives will someday die and die alone

And there's a lake
And at the bottom you'll find all our friends
They don't swim cause they're all dead
We never are what we intend or invent

I’d drive my car off of a bridge
If I knew that you weren’t inside
With the pedal to the floor, who could ask for a more
Fantastic way to kill some time

Now even if I lay my head down at night
After a day I got perfectly right... She won't know

I used to be such a burning example
I used to be so original
I used to care, I was being cared for
Made sure I showed it to those that I love

I used to pray like God was listening
I used to make my parents proud
I was the glue that kept my friends together,
Now they don't talk and we don't go out

If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand
I hope you find out what you want, I already know what I am
And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again
And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am

Goodbye to sleep, I think this staying up is exactly what I need
Take apart your head, take apart the counting and the flock it has bred

Do you believe you're missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else
But with nobody in your bed
The night is hard to get through

My bright is too slight to hold back all my dark

Hey you beauty supreme, yeah you were right about me
But can I get myself out from underneath this guilt that will crush me

Well I love you so much, but do me a favor baby, don't reply
Cause I can dish it out, but I can't take it

This is a lesson in procrastination
I kill myself because I'm so frustrated
Every single second that I put it off
Means another lonely night I got to race the clock

It's girls like you that make me think I'm better off...
Home on a Saturday night, with all my doors locked up tight
I won't be thinking about you, baby

Take me, take me back to your bed
I love you so much that it hurts my head
Say, "I don't mind you under my skin
I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in"
Well when we were made we were set apart
But life is a test and I get bad marks
Now some saint got the job of writing down my sins
The storm is coming, the storm is coming in

X

One Down, However Many To Go

This will be my 24th post, and the first one I've written during the day. I really have no desire to write when it's still light outside, but will probably have to make exceptions for this month. Yesterday was my first fast, and it went better than I had expected. The not eating part I can just about handle, what's annoying is waking up in the middle of the night. As if it's not bad enough trying to fall asleep once a night. the tiredness kills just as much as the hunger does. Plus, it's very hard to eat at that time, especially after the big meal the night before. I would try and tell you what I eat to close and open my fast, but I'm just going to put it down as some 'Asian stuff'. So seeing as I will be having early nights, and need something to pass the time during the days; this will be my new creative writing slot.

I've decided that the two things I want to take out of this experience is to complain less and appreciate more. I tend to moan a lot about my life and the things in it but the truth is, I am very blessed and have way more than I need. I have a home, I have a family, and at the end of the 18 hours I get to have a huge feast, there are many who do not have the same luxuries. There are millions going hungry and not by choice. Also, I sometimes tend to be a fussy eater but after going hungry for so long, you really do appreciate what's put in front of you. Hopefully, incorporating these two aspects in my life will help me find some peace within myself.

Something I learned a few days ago got me thinking. A boy I went to secondary school with, and who was in a few of my lessons, just got sentenced to life in prison for attempted murder. I remember seeing him on my street a few months back and him smiling and waving at me from across the road. It came as a bit of a shock really, and makes you think of how different peoples life's are. Who would have known back then what was in store for us? How is it that I'm here and he's there? What's happened to all the other people I knew as a child? It also got me thinking about a year from now, will I be sitting here and asking the same question about the people who are so close to me now. Past experiences have taught me I will. It upsets me.

All this got me thinking of my childhood. The other day me, my dad, and Kashy started playing Cricket in the garden. I have not played garden cricket in years and it really did make me happy. I spent a large amount of my childhood playing in that garden with anyone who was around, dad, uncles, Hassan, whoever. I remember of titanic battles which lasted hours, where grazed knees and elbows were all the rage. It was literally where I learned everything I once knew about Cricket. The rules are still the same as they were more than ten years ago; same wall for the fours, same door for the six, hit the window it's out, hit it into another garden it's out, all of the wall we play against is the automatic wicket keeper, and one handed catches of the walls are allowed. The only thing that's changed is that I've become a little too big for my small garden. I sometimes find myself wondering of what may have been, if I stuck with Cricket. Once upon a time, I represented Leicestershire in the Youth Games. I remember there being 600 children in the first trial, and over the period of four or five more, it got reduced to a squad of 15 and I was named captain of that team. Even though it was a long time ago, and only lasted a few years, it was the last time I felt I was the best at something I was doing.

Continuing with the theme of my childhood, I watched Toy Story 3 (which I didn't see what all the big fuss was about?) but it did remind me of how I religiously played with my wrestling action figures. Growing up as the only boy with three sisters, I pretty much entertained myself, and my favourite hobby was playing with my wrestling men. I had so many wrestlers, rings, and props over the years, it's unreal. Hours would drift away. I used to collect anything I could find and use them as weapons, for example, I remember making a table out of lollipop sticks. Oh I was cool. But then just like in the movie I grew too old, I passed them on to Kashy and that's the last I saw of them. I keep everything, I regret still not having my wrestling men.

Yesterday, I had this dream. I don't normally dream, and definitely don't remember any, but I do believe they mean something and I'm fascinated by them. I was some sort of biker, and got involved in some races. At one of my first races there was a crowd scene around the best biker there and he had loads of hot girls around him, the whole star thing. And on this other side, there was this girl standing all alone, it was like only I could see her beauty, I went up to her and we began to talk. We ended up falling in love and were really happy together. (Oh by the way, I was played by some random beautiful guy, there was no one I know in real life in the dream). Blah blah blah moving the story forward... I become pretty much the best biker around, beating out this other guy. After this race, the hot chick from before came over and pretty much threw herself at me. I lent in to kiss her and then remember screaming "Nooooo, Bilal!" and woke up. If anyone has any theories on it, I would be intrigued to hear them.

Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...

"But I don't have a job, a car, or a girlfriend?"

"Jesus, I should have shot you while I had the chance!"

x

You Won't Know

Hey, hey, hey, Mr. Hangman, go get your rope.

Well now that I'm fueled up on Coke lets get started. I almost had a heart attack last night when I got in and realised that the fuse box had fucked up and left me with no T.V or Internet. It was a good thing I was pretty tired and so got to sleep pretty quickly, but it did feel odd waking up in the morning and not reaching for the laptop, disrupted the whole routine. Thankfully, a lovely man came over and fixed it this afternoon. It was down for less than 24 hours and I had already ran out of things to do with myself, quite scary really, makes you wonder.

I received some good news today that I had been waiting a long time for... Jake Morris has started a blog! After Christopher Nolan, there is no one elses mind I'd rather go into. His first post already had some interesting thoughts, some which I may come back to later. This after Andi had also started a blog (his being a little more unique to say the least!). It only keeps me more occupied, I now get to read Jake's, Andi's and this girl's that I secretly stalk. It doesn't help that I check her Facebook profile every five minutes aswell. I also now officially have my first follower, it's only taken 21 posts. Can't stop me!

Now even if I lay my head down at night, after a day I got perfectly right, she won't know.

I'm hating being at home, I miss the uni lifestyle and the people so much it hurts. I guess you don't realise how much you miss someone until they're not there. Also, I don't know if it's just me or what, but these dude's have become hilarious over summer, I can't stop laughing at some of the comments they come out with. I've kind of become stuck in this routine of a life, and I am very bored, ready for a drastic change. In September not only is it the return of University, but also my homeboys; House, Dexter, Chuck, Castle. Dead. Excited.

The Football season has started and the the Premier League is just around the corner. What a lovely way to kick it all off with the Community Shield. That optimism I talked about has only grown after what was another great performance. Scholes is a god, simple as that. Hernandez made it four in four games, after two in the World Cup, and all the hype and excitement about him is justified. I was really happy for Berbatov aswell, it topped off what has been a good pre season for him. As you may know, not everyone shares my affection for him, but the manager and the players know how important he is, which is the main thing. I was also pleased to see Carrick playing, I was a little disappointed after thinking he would miss the beginning of the season. Another one that has come in for some criticism but I love watching him play.

And I wish that I could tell you right now, I love you, but it looks like I won't be around, so you won't know.

One thing that has been slightly annoying me recently is all the people on Facebook, becoming religious all of a sudden now that it's Ramadan. Like you can just do what the fuck you like for 11 months as longs as you're 'a good muslim' for a month. It just feels like it's the done thing to do and everyone accepts it, it's bollocks. I'm not religious at all, I would like to have more faith than I do, I would like to believe that something bigger and better than us is out there, but the truth is I don't. I fast because I agree with the principles and sometimes go along with things because it's easier to avoid confrontation, doesn't mean I go around bragging and looking down at people. I was going to post something along these lines as a status, but I thought it wasn't worth the backlash.

Something a good friend of mine, Oscar, said today has been swirling around in my head. It was this idea of how something that brings you so much joy, could also cause you so much pain at the same time. I find this to be very true. And the truth is I fuck up everything really, no matter how badly I want it, I won't allow myself to have it, so end up hurting the people you love the most. I thought I was a good person, but come to realise that I am not, just know that I do it all for you. "I get anxious about a lot of things, that's the trouble. I get anxious about everything. I just can't stop thinking about things all the time. And here's the really destructive part - it's always retrospective. I waste time thinking of what I should have said or done. I can't bear going through the same fucking dance of despair."

'Cause you're so good at talking smack, you heart attack, but you're the apple of my eye anyway.

Though/Quote/Lyric of the day...
"Cos since I've come on home, well my body's been a mess
And I've missed your ginger hair and the way you like to dress
Won't you come on over, stop making a fool out of me
Why won't you come on over Valerie?"

x

Kim

Do you ever wake up in a bad mood just for no reason? Today morning was one of those days. Plus, I woke up earlier than usual, but was too down to even be annoyed. I just lay wide eyed in bed. Now I'm back full circle.

I've literally spent all day stripping wallpaper in my uncles new house, along with some painting. I found it to be quite therapeutic, the repetition was soothing and keeping busy occupied my mind. I got a take away out of it in the end, which is all good. The other day, I helped dispose of an old kitchen for a different uncle, it was fun playing around in all that waste, and I prefer the more practical work.

The day started even weirder, I actually went to mosque today for the first time in yonks! A very tactical move, had to play it clever. I was sat there and my mind started to drift and I thought about what other people from Uni would be doing at that exact same moment, and how different our lives are. What the little trip also confirmed is that I am in no fit state for the month of fasting ahead. It all kicks off on Wednesday/Thursday and I can't really avoid it any longer, I'm kind of dreading it. Plus, because it's fallen on Summer, the days (sunrise to sunset) are proper long, something ridiculous like 3am-9pm. That's like 18 hour fasts! Wowzers. I'm hungry just thinking about it.

Moreover, along with the fasting, it's kind of important to go to mosque everyday after opening your fast, which lasts like 2 hours in itself. I went today for like 20 minutes and my legs were killing, how the hell am I going to manage 2 hours everyday? After busting my ankle up a couple of times a few years back, I can't sit like I'm supposed to without it causing damage, but that doesn't seem to matter to anybody. Obviously, I will try my best to get out of mosque duties, but it all depends on how gay my dad is feeling.

Don't get me wrong though, I like the whole idea of fasting, we are very spoilt and live in excess, especially at a time like this where hundreds of people are dying in Pakistan due to the flooding, it brings it all home; it's quite sobering really.

For a while now, I've been looking at the park opposite my house and thinking 'tomorrow I'll go for a run', knowing full well it's not going to happen. This is where my running partners would come in handy, oh how I miss them boys. I've also recently been having this urge to draw, it has been a while, but I can't seem to find any subject matter that I like.

Thought/Quote/Lyric of the day...
I miss you the most, even though you cause me the most pain.

x


I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!
I SWEAR TO GOD I HATE YOU
Oh my god, I love you..

You were supposed to love me
NOW BLEED! BITCH BLEED!
BLEED! BITCH BLEED! BLEEEEEED!!

UGLY

I swear I can't decide what mood I'm in, it literally changes from one minute to the next. For instance, I've already changed my mind a couple of times about writing something on here tonight, since I got in bed. It's easier to write when I'm in a more upbeat mood, even if what I'm writing about isn't.

I finally opened my PS3 box this week since coming back from Uni, only to find that I've lost the power cable :/ Also, I need a new laptop, this one is totally dead. The charger issue is not with the charger but with the laptop. Gutted.

I was in a happy mood so I watched Crazy Heart, I've been saving it up for a while, I always knew I would like it. I was in a bad mood so I put on a Chris Rock DVD and it cheered me up for ninety minutes. I think he is my favourite stand up.

I think there are three different types of funny; clever funny, weird funny, and naturally funny. I know at least one friend in each category, which is cool and they all make me laugh equally.

I realised recently that Bright Eyes are a constant, irrelevant of mood. There are times I will skip a Jeff Buckley song, there are times I'll skip an Eminem song, but very rarely will I skip a Bright Eyes'. The same song takes on different meanings at different times.

I see all these pictures on Facebook of people on nights out and I'm getting quite jealous. When I was at Uni, I never really was arsed about going out, but now I don't have the option, I miss it. I want to lose myself in the music, the moment. I've also been craving for a Chinese the last couple of days, but there are none around here, which means I would have to go into town, which is too much effort.

Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...
Girls are complicated. The instruction manual that comes with girls is 800 pages, with chapters 14, 19, 26 and 32 missing, and it's badly translated, hard to figure out.

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Sunrise, Sunset

It's turned out to be quite an eventful weekend, one way another, well a lot more so than my usual days. Went into town with Hassan on Saturday (first time in aaages) even though I'm completely broke. I have £4.17 on my desk to last me 'til the end of summer, oh well :) It turned out to be quite a useful trip out though, not only did I see people, but I saw very beautiful people, who knew Leicester had so many hot girls?! Like wowzers! Today I have been at like the shittiest wedding of all, and all because of that knob head Hassan. He decided for some reason unknown to the rest of humanity to take the day off work to attend this random wedding, two hours drive away. My family was going, and I was looking forward to enjoying the empty house to myself. This house for the majority of the time is a zoo, any day where I have it to myself should not be wasted. But because Hassan was going and he didn't want to be alone, he persuaded me to come, against my better wishes, the things I do for friends! Well needless to say it ended up being a very pointless journey.

To be fair, he did sort of redeem himself this weekend; we were going to the car wash and he came out with his theory of how the car washing industry and birds that repeatedly shit on his car are working in conjunction for more service! Haha it was a wonderful thought and made me laugh quite a bit. Almost as good as Jake's story of how a slice of bread was told it would never become toast, so in it's depressed state, it committed suicide by drowning itself in a bowl of milk! Lol. There is a reason he is known as 'The Lovely Brain'. I kind of love little funny, clever thoughts like these, I know you guys are smart, I want to hear more.

I've been so caught up with other things, that I feel I've not really talked about all the sporting goodness in my life. Can't believe there's only one pre-season game left before we face Chelsea in the Community Shield, and then the week after that, the season starts eeeek! I've enjoyed United's tour and the late nights that have come with it, Chicharito looks awesome to be fair, can't wait to see him in action this season. Smalling looks like he could do with a loan spell somewhere in the Championship to learn his trade, a little like Johnny Evans did a few seasons back at Sunderland. I know people sometimes complain at the lack of transfer activity at United, and some people will blame the Glazers, but I back Fergie; when the likes of Milner is valued at £30 million, there really is no value in the market, and I think we have a pretty strong squad as it is. Obviously, like all the supporters I would love to see some big name signings and have a few people in my own mind that I would like to see grace the Theatre Of Dreams, but I'm pretty optimistic for the new season.

In other sporting news, loving all the Test Cricket on at the moment, especially the series between England and Pakistan. It's nice because I have a foot in both doors, but I'm backing England, just because the rest of the family is on the Pakistani side. 1-0 to me. What makes it better is being a fan of bowling and being spoilt witnessing two great seam bowling attacks, with the likes of Amir, Asif, Gul, Broad, Finn and Anderson all on show. Now only if Pakistan actually had a batsman in their team, it might be a little more entertaining. Watched the Marquez vs Diaz fight last night also, pretty good stuff, and the prospect of Marquez vs Khan looks mouth watering. More suprisingly, I'm becoming more and more interested in UFC of late. Watching all the stuff I can find on YouTube and all the events that are on TV. Stayed up late to watch Lesnar vs Carwin a while back, which one of the best fights I've seen and looking forward to Anderson Silva fighting next week. I want to learn Gracie Jiu-Jitsu. I want to make someone tap with a rear naked chokehold.

Yo nights are boring nowadays! :(

Thought/Quote/Lyric of the Day...
i'm thinking of writing like this!

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LTWYL

I feel like I should write something but I'm pretty dreary so not sure on what or how exactly. But I'm pretty hopped up on Coke, so let's go. I'm kinda back to the sleeping pattern I was in at Uni, although there I used to wake up late, whereas here, I'm having too many early mornings. I kinda like the feeling of feeling tired, something peaceful about it, it's not the worst feeling in the world. Talking of University, I realised today that I've been home for a while now and I kind of miss being away. I just want to go up to people and give 'em a hug. I'm really looking forward to moving into the house next year. It's exciting and something different, the sort of change I want but normally to afraid to make. A Jeff Buckley quote springs to mind "I want to throw myself against the rocks" just to see what happens. Another quote that I came across recently and really liked was "I would cling to unhappiness because it was a known, familiar state. When I was happier, it was because I knew I was on my way back to misery". I sometimes feel like I can relate to that but then realised maybe I'm not that misanthropic (also a word I came across and liked).

On the subject of misery, I've been watching a lot of films recently and the other day was looking for something sad. After watching 10 Things I Hate About You and Remember Me (both of which I really liked) it dawned on me that there's a difference between a sad film and a film that makes you sad. Remember Me on paper is technically a sad movie, but it's beautifully done and the shock twist ending, although sad, leaves you happy because it's a deserved ending to a good film. On the other hand, 10 Things I Hate About You is just another one of those slightly cheesy teen movies, which don't get me wrong I liked, but a geeky Joseph Gordon-Levitt gets the cool, popular girl, and an impossibly beautiful Heath Ledger is always going to get the girl, who could resist, and everyone rides off into the sunset, perfect and happy. This for some reason actually made me feel quite down, maybe it's just me.

Just when I thought I had enough of Julia Styles fuckin' me around, she's been cast in the new series of Dexter. Also, I've watched a few 'Inside The Actors Studio' interviews, which are pretty good, and the one with Mickey Rourke is so emotional, I feel like crying every time I hear him speak, what a man. And because I've been talking a lot about movies of late, I'm going to provide some music for you that I've been in to for a while. Bit of a varied bunch, make of it what you will;

White Blank Page - Mumford & Sons
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_Od0PJp6GI

Forget Her - Jeff Buckley
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66cOdIRsSho&feature=avmsc2

Going Through Changes - Eminem
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLq_oSkHZic&feature=player_embedded

Tumhein Dillagi Bhool - Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpytgCbGJ4k

Still don't know how to actually add songs on to here but I found you the best vids out there so take a fucking minute to listen to 'em! :)

Thoughts/Quotes/Lyrics of the Day...
"Paul, did you just punch a little child?"
"There are thing you don't know about me Jimmy, I'd fuck a little kid up if he kick me in the dick!"

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I Am

Disillusion....
Disillusione..
Dis.......oned
Dis.......oned
Disillusione..
Disillusion....

Disillusioned
Dis..............
Disillusion....
Disillusion....
Dis..............
Disillusioned

Disillusioned
Dis........ned
Disillusioned
Dis........ned
Dis........ned
Dis........ned

Disillusion....
Disillusione..
Dis.......oned
Dis.......oned
Disillusione..
Disillusion....


It's funny how sometimes, the more you close your eyes, the clearer things become.